Death to Lara Croft

Dear Lara, I need to have a word with you. More precisely, I need a word with the evil overlords who control you. I’ve had enough. It was very cute during the 90’s when you were promoting Lucozade and SEAT cars (instead of Jeeps? I mean, really) and your mug was plastered all over the shop, but it’s over now, and I think it’s time you let go.

I’m only saying this because I love you, honestly. I think the earlier Tomb Raider games were flat out amazing, and anyone who says otherwise is a big fat liar. The T Rex in the Lost Valley level of the original game still scares the hell out of me, and I’m a grown woman now, as opposed to the 11 year old kid I once was.

I own every single game that you’ve released, well, all the main console titles anyway. I’m not paying money for the dodgy DVD or NGage ports you did. I even own Angel of Darkness, despite the fact it was downright dreadful and from what I’ve heard, not even finished when it was released! I own the new titles released by Crystal Dynamics, even though I’m not really keen on the direction they took you in. It doesn’t matter what the reviews are like, I will always buy the new instalment as long as they’re being made, and I kind of hate myself for it.

Why? Nostalgia, I suppose. I’ve played the first game over and over and over and I still enjoy it to this day. But nostalgia isn’t really a good enough reason to keep clinging on, and we both know it. I have a feeling the Tomb Raider franchise still keeps on going, like one of the many reanimated skeletons you’ve slain, because the kids who originally played your game grew up, and want another hit of the adventuring drug.

You’re now technically on your second reboot, and is there really any need for it? Before anyone starts whinging that I’m wrong, I would say that the Crystal Dynamics reimagining was a reboot. Changing the storyline is a reboot, ok? (That’s the last of the specific nerd rage, I promise). While the new game sounds intriguing, I still wish it wasn’t being made. Or being made as a totally different franchise.

The fact that the name ‘Lara Croft’ is still famous is not a good enough reason to keep it going. It’s far too easy to create the same game year after year, even if it does rake in the money like nobody’s business. It just leads to a creative stalemate, where everything on the game store shelves is the same old dross that was out last year, but people buy it anyway because they recognise the name on the box.

It isn’t exciting and it isn’t new. Tomb Raider was both of these things, back in 1996. Twelve years on, I think you need to hang up your Uzis for the last time and set an example to your fellow video game stars. Especially Sonic, he should have been put down years ago, it’s just painful to watch now.

With every new game that comes out, the magic that made Tomb Raider special is diluted further and further, until it’s just another subpar game in a sea of blandness. If Square Enix and Crystal Dynamics had the guts to say, ‘Enough!’, then maybe, just maybe, we could actually play something that’s different. It may be just a pipe dream, but well, I can dream, can’t I?

-Friday Voni

P.S As an afterthought, can you please put a stop to this Tomb Raider movie reboot? There is absolutely no need, at all. And if they cast Megan Fox I think I may just shoot myself to escape the horror.