eBay Etiquette

So you might have heard of this website, it’s called eBay? Oh you have? Excellent. Well, I’m going to explain to you today how exactly to use it. After all, there’s etiquette to be observed, even on the internet.

Step one: Search for your required item

Harder than it looks. Type in ‘Iron Man’ and you might find the DVD you were looking for, in between all the action figures, toys, comic books, and the one guy who listed a clothes iron Halloween costume as ‘Iron Man’ because he thinks he’s funny. Instead, type in something like, ‘Iron Man DVD AND I MEAN IT EBAY OR I SWEAR I’LL CUT YOU’ and you’ll get better results.

Step two: Select your item

Even after doing such a refined search, you’ll probably have a large list of identical items to browse through. Now is the time to cull the dodgy listings from the reasonable ones. Stupidly high price? Nope. Clearly used and battered? Seeya! Obviously NOT the item it’s advertised as? Do one! However, be really picky. After all, if that seller wants your money they must earn it. Is the photo out of focus? Is the postage a couple of pence/cents too high? Does their username offend you? Bin it all!

Step three: The art of the watch list

Now, you should have a few items that you now want to keep an eye on. Thankfully, eBay provides the ‘watch list’ for this very purpose. Add them all, and now you have a handy place to track all those Garfield alarm clocks you’re planning on buying to truly freak out your roommate. However, beware! Having those items in your watch list means that slowly but surely, you will come to see them as already belonging to you. There is no greater pain than watching an auction end early because someone made an offer outside of eBay for the item. In these cases, it is totally ok to track those people down and torture them with Friends reruns. It’s protected in the declaration of human rights. Look it up.

Step four: Winning, or snipe like you mean it

If you’re really serious about winning, you need to learn how to snipe. No, I don’t mean like with a gun, but if you lose, it may be an option. No, I mean sitting on the auction until the last few seconds, and BOOM! Dropping your bid in at the last possible moment, meaning no one else can bid, you win, and everyone can suck on their crushing defeat. I think I just mixed some metaphors there, but never mind. Be warned though, sniping can get heated, and before long you realise you’ve bid your rent money on an old box of Coco Pops.

Step five: Receiving your precious, precious goods

Now comes the best bit: getting your stuff! Everyone likes getting parcels in the post, it’s like receiving Christmas presents out of season by a surly, underpaid Santa! When you unwrap your items, make sure it’s exactly as you though it would be. Many a time have I bought something and noticed errors and flaws that weren’t in the photo! After this, make sure you leave appropriate feedback. ‘Quick delivery, but not quite as I expected’ is fine. ‘I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE FOR THIS OUTRAGE’, however, is not.
Happy bidding!