The Hulse's guide on how to be a domestic goddess.

I recently moved into a flat with one of those menfolk and it's more difficult then it may first seem! But fear not! Here are some handy tips on how to be a domestic goddess;



1.The art form of toilet ducking.
Toilet duck really is a girl's best friend. From its deep green colour to its elegant, slender neck, the domestic goddess should never be beyond a 50m radius of this elixir of life. To be a true goddess of the household you must master the art of toilet ducking while intoxicated to an almost paralytic state.
Difficulty rating: HARD




















2.Perfecting the crème brulee.
Please do excuse the pun but the crème de la crème of puddings. I have no idea how its made but the true beauty lies in perfecting the sugar based topping, which should give out a satisfying crack when tapped with the finest sterling silver you have to offer. The trick with this one is to not open the oven door every ten seconds in the hope that it is ready as this results in potential food poisoning.
Difficulty rating: MEDIUM




3.The wake up alarm.
No domestic goddess should go without her beauty sleep. Always say to yourself that you will be getting an early night, end up watching Family Guy and realise its gone past midnight. This leaves you with 7 hours to kick people, snore in a ladylike fashion and dribble every colour of the rainbow. The hardest part is the alarm clock, especially if it sounds like the introduction to 'Who do you think you are'. My top tip for this is to hit your snooze button at least 3 times before you even contemplate moving from bed. This way you are guaranteed that much deserved beauty sleep, safe in the knowledge that you already have a reputation as a late comer and what's the point of changing that?
Difficulty rating: EASY


















4.Food storage.
For those times when you find yourself in your own company and Jar cannot provide you should make space for your very own 'Forever alone cupboard'. Ideal contents of this cupboard include tinned soups, an assortment of super noodles and biscuits, a metric fuck ton of biscuits.
Difficulty rating: EASY (depending on how far away the shops are)



















5.Clothes storage:
Any domestic goddess deserves a wardrobe fitting for any occasion. But what do you do when there is a storage issue? I personally recommend a process of organised chaos and lots of piles, I cannot emphasis the piles formation enough! To achieve true perfection with clothes storage you must make sure that you take up valuable floor space with clothes you keep telling yourself you will take to a charity shop, put enough clothes onto a wardrobe rail to make it bow and finally arrange all your tights so that they end up tangling. Achieve this and you truly are a Domestic Goddess.
Difficulty rating: HARD
























6.Keeping your man keen.
After a hard days graft for the breadwinner, what better way to welcome him home than pinning him down and looking for spots on his face with an intensity the SS would have been proud of. Forget the traditional idea of 'dinner on the table', us 21st century domestic goddess' know you have to treat them mean to keep them keen, using swearwords as pet-names ('knob features' is a good one for example) and random insults are a must. Pinching of nipples until red raw is also highly recommended.
Difficulty rating: EASY