I ARE WOMAN!

I am a twenty-first century woman…HEAR ME ROAR!

COOK

I think I can bake better than Delia Smith & Cake Boss sewn together but the cake remains on the: floor/thrown on the ceiling/ caked onto the tray (so it becomes one)/ neglected due to it inedibility say differently.

GIRL GAMER

I may not be good at first shooter or driving games but I’m great at: running over prostitutes, (making…) collecting bolts, solving crimes,(…portals) if you didn’t get that, shame on you! Flailing around in front of my console (aka dancing) and controlling families… I AM YOUR GOD! Also who can say they completed the first three Harry Potter’s on PS2? Moi! :p You’re so jealous!

Fashionista

If it’s clean, I will wear it. If it’s on sale, I will buy it. If it’s the latest, must-have, designer handbag made from chinchilla butt and owned by Beyoncé, I really don’t give a shit.

MOODSWINGS

If you pay me a compliment, I will think your lying and then wonder ‘why is he lying?’ HE NO LOVE ME!

If you give me constructive criticism I will take it completely the wrong way… ‘Aww you have a cheesy smile in that photo’ WTF, YOU THINK IM UGLY!!??!

BABY MOMMA

Every month my womb implodes. People hide in fear. Shops shut, schools close and public areas are left deserted…yes it’s that bad.

If I want to, I can make a human…. IN MA BELLY! (in the style of Fat Bastard from Austin Powers) Then they will run in little hamster cages to power my house (which they built).. Please don’t call social services!

Puppies make me happy. Babies make me happy. Puppies and babies? SQUEE!!

Breasticles

These protrusions have appeared on my chest and are gathering attention. I should see a doctor…

Beauty

Lotions and potions fill my dressing table and bathroom cupboards. I wax, scrub, mask, massage, exfoliate, lather, soak & moisturise then realise a bit of soap and water would have got the same results!