Why are pirates pirates? cuz they arrrrrr!

An open letter to Matey bubblebath.

Dear Mr Man,

I like pirates, I like bubblebath, and Muggins here thought Matey could bring these two things together. OH HOW WRONG I WAS!!!

It is with deep regret that I must inform the Zombie Outbreak faithful that Matey does not offer a realistic pirate choice of top quality bubblebath. I know, lets take a minute for this to sink in and assess the options we now have for nautical based bubblebath awesomeness.

Sailor Matey

(He carries a white flag...where are the skull and crossbones and why is he so quick at surrendering, is he French?)

'Sailor Matey’s ship is called HMS Matey and is docked in Anchor Harbour. Sailor Matey often sails around Matey Island to collect the rest of the gang and they travel in his ship and have lots of adventures!'

Sailor Matey is basically Anchor Harbour's Pimp, strutting around like he owns the place. THIS MUST BE STOPPED. WHAT IS THIS TEACHING CHILDREN? HMM?

Mer-Matey

'Did you know that Mer-Matey used to be a female sailor on HMS Matey and used to sail around the world with Sailor Matey? One day she dived into the sea and turned into a beautiful mermaid and now she lives in Starfish Cove with all her fishy friends!' She is described as having fishy friends, DISGUSTING

Doc-topus Matey

Doc-topus Matey is a very clever Octopus and likes to spend lots of time in his top secret laboratory in Bubble Volcano making potions that change colour!

The Doc-topus Matey product is a colour change formulation that your kids will love because it magically changes from red to blue in the bath water!

Doc-topus is a bad ass, some may say a keeper.

And finally to Matey's take on pirates. Ladies and Gentleladies let me introduce you to Lucky Matey.

'Lucky Matey is a pirate parrot that lives in the forest on Matey Island. Because he has a patch on his eye sometimes he can’t see very well when he is flying around the trees in Lucky forest and he flies into the branches and leaves! He is very lucky indeed because he never seems to hurt himself!'

Matey has made our pirate hero into an idiot, and a clumsy one at that. I bet his bubbles are inferior quality as well. If it wasn't bad enough that his lack of hands means he can't steer his ship or used a sword, he has a pointless hook attached to his wing. At best this is a sick joke, at worst animal cruelty.

Therefore Matey Bubblebath, I ask if a better pirate option can be made available to the general public who enjoy using the cap on the bubblebath as boats in the bath. Lucky Matey just doesn't hack it as a true symbolisation of a pirate. I have wrote a little poem in order to convince you that a new pirate range is needed and would be a success and look forward to hearing from you.


Also, it made my skin itchy as a child. So it's shit.

End.

An ode to Pirates

There once was a pirate called Crabface,

Who set out from shore at a fast pace,

He sailed all day from April to May,

And hey, guess what, it was me.