And the guest blogger is...
David Santoro, my future husband and lover of zombieoutbreak!... well duh, I live with him, who else can I bully into it?!
Also, he's taking part in zombieoutbreaks movember, so please donate to his lovely face, or at-least go to his page to laugh at his 'tashe.
http://mobro.co/Davs86
Anyway, sit back and find out how to be awesome:
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The art of 'Jason Bourning' it.
By David Santoro
Hello, this week you will be subjected to a guest blog from Mr. Hulse himself, David.
I recently made a life changing decision. I had been wanting a sex change since the age of 11....wait wrong story (although that recent Channel 4 documentary on the subject looked good!!!) Anyway I recently proposed to Thursday Hulse and after asking me if I was having a laugh, she said yes. Basically I did the following: I flew out to Germany, to a roller derby game she was taking part in (without her knowing, this is where the subject of this blog comes about, obviously) and proposed to her at the game.
Simple you think? Getting to Germany without being 'caught'? Without getting lost? And without being turned down?
Read on my friend.
What I hope to achieve with this week's guest publication is to show you the art of 'Jason Bourning' it and how I became a MasterBourner (or its University title MABo) when I proposed to her.
1. Stake out location and travel arrangements.
I knew The Hulse was travelling to Stuttgart for the weekend. Her nervousness about booking the flight and hotel was a blessing in disguise for me as I was there when she booked it all. It helps to have a photographic memory as you don't want to end up staying miles away from your target.
2. The bling.
Here is the first real chance to become a MABo. There are certain rules you need to live by when buying a ring. If anyone needs information on the 5 C's for instance, I am now an expert! However the most important thing at this stage is the size of the ring. In order to get this right my personal preference is to raid The Hulse's jewellery box and take your findings to the jewellers. Once at the Jewellers be prepared as you will have several panic attacks when they tell you the price of things. This is soon remedied however when the Jeweller tries rings on you, you can pretend your married and giggle like a school girl as you strutt around with a huge rock on your finger.
3. Let your friends and family know your whereabouts
Its all well and good swanning off to a foreign country by yourself without a care for anyone back at home but who is going to be there to record Antiques Roadshow if you don't tell someone. If your lucky they may even dump a load of spare currency on you and, helpfully, tell you all manner of useful local phrases. Key phrases to learn when you are travelling: Where is the nearest pub and when is the last bus/train?
4. Try to make your life easy with transport.
Take my trip for instance: 2am coach from Brum to Stansted for a 8.30am flight. Granted it gave me the chance to drink my nerves away before the coach journey but by the time I got to Stuttgart I had to forego all manner of German culture (mainly beer and football) to sleep.
5. Staying invisible.
This is where the covert mission began. I was not only in the same city as the Central City Rollergirls but staying in the same hotel as them. Staying undercover began the minute I touched down at Stuttgart airport. This step involved a lot of brisk walking and speeding through hotel check in. If you want to go for the dramatic, toss your bank card at the receptionist in an over the top fashion while talking in a mixture of English and whatever language they use in the country of your choice.
6. Avoid the lifts.
You never want to find yourself in an enclosed space when people you know may enter it. Take the stairs or even better scale the building. If you hear people who speak with a Brummie twang in a foreign place, RUN!!! all the way back to your room!!!
7. Resist all temptation to contact your target, however great the urge.
No point coming this far to ruin it all. However if contact is an absolute must DO NOT GIVE AWAY YOUR POSITION, instead find out their plans and current location. This means you can eat your final forever alone meal without getting indigestion, unless you have a McDonalds in which case indigestion is inevitable.
8. The big scene.
Mingle with the crowd and try to work out the best location to hide away before the right moment. Or....do as I did and just casually stand there with a bottle of beer (it makes you look very very cool) and await being discovered.
9. Finally....
Hold onto your target no matter how much the struggle to get away. Distract with said bling or even better slap them, the stupid helmet covers can wait.
And that, ladies and gentleladies, is how to Jason Bourne it. Lots of running, lots of hiding, but worth it in the end.
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