Hulse's guide to a fabulous new year

Dear all. As it's almost new years, I am going to provide you with some fantastic tips on how to survive the rest of this festive period. As you've clearly survived Christmas (well done you, you clever little monkey) you've obviously used all your tactics and skills to stay alive.
Here are some commonly asked new years related questions.

Help, someones brought me a gifts for new years, what do I do?
This is an important thing to remember. Sometimes, for some reason, some people will give you a gift to celebrate new years. Why? Because they are morons and clearly don’t have enough friends or they’re just trying to palm off shit Christmas presents they don't want onto you. It's always nice to receive a gift, but as you do so always remember to shout “IM NOT GIVING YOU ANYTHING. ITS NOT CHRISTMAS ANYMORE IDIOT”. This should settle all guilt you may be feeling.

I've decided to stay in this year
WHY? WHY HAVE YOU DONE THAT? Go outside and make some friends you social pariah.

But no one has invited me out anywhere?
Do you think anyone invites me anywhere? NO THEY DONT. I just turn up.... something about being rude and obnoxious. Anyway, my point: Just crash peoples parties. They won't tell you to go away for two reasons 1 – they're scared of you because clearly you’re mentally unstable or 2- they feel sorry for you. Either way you’re out of the house. All good.

I can't go out anyway, my Aunty from Scotland is coming over
What is more important? Menopausal relatives or being sick in the street? Exactly. Tell her you died in a fire. Sorted.

I think I might have to work this new years.
Hang on, did you not die in a fire? I'm sure you did.

Ok, but where shall I go?
You have two choices really. House party or mingling with the great unwashed.

Great unwashed sounds good
Does it? Are you an idiot?

Oh, 'Great unwashed', I thought you said 'the great bun squashed'
Well, I didn't I said the great unwashed. This involves going to a pub or club, waiting for 7 hours to get a drink, starting a fight with a fat man, shouting abuse at a wall and crying all the way home because you can't believe Gary snogged Tracy and you only just met them 30 minutes ago, but they seemed like such nice people and oooh... balls... you've lost your house keys. Also the taxis cost a bomb!

Yeah, that does sound a bit rubbish. What was the other option?
You could go to a house party, these are always good fun and if you play your cards right and go to a posh persons house you're always a shoe in for a good thieving trip. “If it's not nailed down its yours” that’s what I always say.
If you find a house party is rather enjoyable but you don't like the host, don't forget to advertise it on all social networking sites so everyone can attend.
If you forget to bring your own alcohol just 'borrow' someone else’s

Also, you wont be thrown into the street if you fall asleep on a sofa.


I might throw my own house party
I don’t understand why you would want to do that. If you’re feeling particularly malicious you can always arrange a house party at someone’s house without telling them. That way you can have a brilliant time without having to do the cleaning in the morning. Amazing.

On second thoughts, I think I’ll stay in.
Yeah, actually. I think you're right. Also EastEnders is on and Pat dies tonight, brilliant.