Firstly an apology. This would have been my first post of 2012 but I was too busy subjecting everyone to the wonder that is Showgirls for a week...with added Hulse lapdances!!!
Awful awful film, anyway, I digress - its 2012, the year of the Olympics in London, the Mayan prophecy of the end of the world but more importantly the new you.
Having reviewed my posts from last year it appears I have become known for taking on food challenges. Nutella defeated me but I conquered the jelly...you jelly? What did I learn from these challenges? That taking on food is ridiculous and is usually a result of peer pressure. As a result I am here this week to tell you that those days are over...Thursday Hulse is going to whip you into shape for 2012.
Come on Fatty!
Firstly you need some good montage music. Forget what Rocky and Team America have taught you. I need you to get your best perm on and get training to Def Leppard. You can often see me rocking out to the Gods of Rock much to the annoyance of my passengers. Anyway they are ideal training music so get yourself a vinyl, or whatever you kids are using nowadays, of their greatest hits and start warming up.
The new you isn't going to be instantaneous....like all the good things it will take time! However in my pursuit of a new me here's a top 5 countdown on how to get started.
Enlist housemates/partners to join you in your new year challenge. If they don't join you, you can always use them as a punchbag....its good training at the end of the day.
Break up with Dominos pizza. There, I've said it. Its the most painful breakup you will ever experience as you discard that leaflet full of offers from Heaven or receive that text of achievement at the end of a hard working week offering you BOGOF pizzas. Block the number, burn your dominos uniform pyjamas and move on.
Drink tonnes of water...then you will piss glory and apparently fat. I don't know how it works either but it does.
Take the stairs when possible. Its always more fun on the stairs anyway as you may get the opportunity to push someone down them (I think I have been watching Showgirls a little too much.)
As the White Stripes said, “Be like the squirrel”. Cut out the mid morning/afternoon unhealthy snacks and instead eat nuts and seeds. If you are feeling particularly frivolous add blueberries or raisins to the mix and you will get through the day. Plus squirrels have massive balls...
So there you have it, how to start on the path to a new you in 2012. Good luck everyone and remember have patience and one day you will be as beautiful as me!
What am I saying! Its 2012, the world is ending....lets go mental and eat all the Nutella!
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