Woman vs. Laptop

COMPUTERS! Why are they such a massive pain in the arse? I know you might be sitting there thinking, ‘What? No they’re not. Mine’s alright. Its working fine right now. I’m reading this site with no problems at all!’ Ah, but you don’t notice what enormous pains in the arse they while they’re in a good mood.

Now, don’t look at me like that. I know computers don’t really have moods, as such, but they may as well have. How many times have you had to wrangle with yours because it’s suddenly stopped working? And how many times has it stopped working for no reason at all? Exactly. As you’ve probably guessed by now, my computer is currently in a right strop.

The problem is that I’ve recently acquired a second hand laptop. There’s nothing wrong with it, the previous owner just managed to get his hands on a fancier one. But the damned thing will not work for me! Well, ok, it’s working, as such, but it totally refuses to connect to the net. I’ve sat here for ages messing about with settings and clearing previous connections and other such nonsense that the internet says I should do, but it just ain’t having it. It’s like being in possession of a stroppy teenager.

‘Hey, laptop’ I say. ‘Look, you can see my wireless network. It’s just across the room. Can you connect to it please, so I can get my Facebook on?’

‘No’. Laptop just stares back at me as if I’ve asked it to pogo up to the moon.

Buh? At first I’m confused but understanding. ‘Ok, I know I’ve taken you away from your old owner and you might be a bit upset at the upheaval, but you belong to me now, and I kind of need you to connect to the internet. Please’.

‘No’. It’s still giving me the moon pogo look. It has no idea what I’m on about at all.

‘Oh come on,’ I plead, ‘I’m not asking for anything difficult. Just do it, yeah?’

‘No!’ Now the laptop has got a proper strop on, refusing to respond to anything I do. I get more and more hacked off as I offer more and more solutions, only stopping short of sacrificing a goat to the gods of Microsoft. The laptop retaliates to my persistent attempts to make it do anything by pouting and digging its heels in even deeper, as if I’m being horrible and unreasonable by asking it to do its job.

Now I’m mad. Yelling at it doesn’t work. Hitting it doesn’t work (and quick word of advice? You shouldn’t really hit computers or kids. Tech repair specialists and the police don’t look kindly upon it). Nothing I am doing is making the damned thing do as it’s told, and I am at the end of my tether.

‘FINE!’ I yell at it. ‘FINE! DO WHAT YOU WANT! MAYBE I’LL HAVE YOU WIPED AND INSTALL SOMETHING DIFFERENT ON YOU? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?’

And that’s when the laptop calls Childline, claiming child cruelty. I think. I may have finally confused myself there.

So yes, computers are indeed a massive, complicated, indecipherable pain in the arse. Rather like children, I suppose. But at least with computers, you can shove them in the corner and ignore them for a while as you cool down, without them retaliating by drawing all over the sofa or joining a cult. I’ve dealt with my laptop by leaving it against the wall and shouting, ‘Well screw you then! I’ll go use my PC then! My PC that does as it’s bloody told!’

The laptop doesn’t care, though, obviously. Shame really, if only I could get a reaction out it, I’d feel better about all the time I wasted on it.

-Friday Voni