The final shambling steps

You may have noticed a distinct lack of posts over the last few months, sadly we lost authors and then real life took all the time we had to put into the site.

Thus the remaining members of Zombie outbreak have decided that the site shall come to an end. 

Zombie Outbreak started January 2011 as the fevered dream of a single man, who then recruited everyone he knew to do the work for him. In that time 11 people have made just 2 posts shy of 600 hopefully entertaining posts.

As that original fevered dreamer I want to thank (in chronological order):

Friday Voni

Wednesday Luke

Sunday Matt

Thursday Will

Saturday Simon

Tuesday Shanice

Thursday Lindsey

Sunday Tyler

Thursday Santoro 

Saturday Andy

So from me Monday Richard, Thank you all for reading. 

Watch this space, like any good Zombie the site will not stay dead forever.

Even if when it returns, it's in a whole new form.

Horror-scopes

As accurate as any others you’ll read today

Note: I’ve taken the horoscopes and their dates from www.horoscopes.co.uk. Everyone seems to differ on when the dates actually fall, so if you disagree with me go shout at them, ok? Cheers.

Aries: 21st March – 19th April

Did you hear that? That noise, coming from your basement? Look, I think you’re either going to have to feed them, or turn yourself in to the police.

Taurus: 20th April – 20th May

Today I would avoid bacon if I were you. Look, don’t ask me why, you don’t want to know. Honestly. Actually, just avoid all pork products. You’ll thank me later.

Gemini: 21st May – 20th June

Your shoe’s untied. HA HA MADE YOU LOOK!

Cancer: 21st June – 22nd July

Look, I know you think naming your kid Moonshine Rainbow is a good idea, but I promise you they’ll be changing it by deed poll the second they’re 18. And really? It’s the 21st century now, time to grow out of the 60’s.

Leo: 23rd July – 22nd August

I’ve seen you bothering the lions at the zoo. Next time the zookeeper’s going to open fire on you. Fair warning.

Virgo: 23rd August – 22nd September

Look Gary, I know you’re reading this. IT’S OVER, OK? Stop ringing me! And stop ringing my mum! She’s elderly and confused, she thinks you’re Terry Wogan and it’s not fair to get her hopes up that he’s coming back to Eurovision.

Libra: 23rd September – 22nd October

Hur hur, your star sign’s got the word ‘bra’ in it. Snarf.

Scorpio: 23rd October – 21st November

I’ve always thought ‘Scorpio’ sounded like a superhero name. But are you out there, fighting crime in tights and your underpants? Hell no! You’re so selfish.

Sagittarius: 22nd November – 21st December

That lobster vs. scorpion fight you’re planning? Yes, yes, it sounds awesome. But the animal rights groups are camping out on your front lawn and they look pretty angry. You might want to rethink it, that’s all I’m saying.

Capricorn: 22nd December – 19th January

If anyone tries to pull the joint Christmas/birthday present thing on you this year, shiv them. It’s only fair.

Aquarius: 20 January – 18th February

What was that? No behind you... OH GOD DON’T TURN AROUND!

Pisces: 19th February – 20th March

Aw, always last, aren’t you? Well, you should try harder, shouldn’t you? Mummy won’t love you till you are THE BEST AT EVERYTHING!

Inventions I couldn't live without

Since last week I thought about the things that need to be invented, I thought this week that maybe I should appreciate what we already have. After all, we live in the future! Please to enjoy.

The sat nav

I want to kiss whoever invented this thing. I would Google it and find out who it was, but I’m lazy. So there.

To say I have no sense of direction is an understatement to say the least. I can just about tell you what road I live on, for the love of God don’t ask me for directions or you’ll end up in Timbuktu or somewhere. It takes me about five goes at the same journey to even begin to memorize it. I am pretty much useless.

God bless you then, humble sat nav. You shout at me, telling me where to go, and if that wasn’t enough you even include a handy moving map with big ‘GO HERE STUPID’ arrows on it. Even though you go a bit mad sometimes, including the memorable incident where you tried to make me drive through a graveyard, I depend on you for direction-based existence. Please don’t break, or I’m screwed.

The kettle

The kettle! Without which tea would not exist! Ok, that’s an exaggeration, but have you ever drunk tea made with water boiled in a pan on the stove? I have, such is my tea addiction. And it was disgusting. I drank it anyway.

When we moved into this house, my first concern was procuring a kettle. Washing machine? Prfft. Microwave? Whatever. I NEED TEA. Mornings and writing sessions are unbearable without tea.

The internet

How did we, as a race, get anything done in the days before Google? I don’t know how the hell I would have completed my degree without it. Complicated theory put before you in a lecture? Wikipedia it!

Plus, it’s rendered phonebooks and 118 numbers useless. Why would I lug out a book or spend money on a phone call when I can just tap it into a search engine? I’m so much smarter now the internet exists! Hurrah!

And there’s the obvious, allowing me to write this blog. Even though I hate the word ‘blog’, it isn’t really a word at all. Plus, it’s associated with self absorbed time wasters... like... me...

Well, it’s either this or I stand on a street corner shouting at people about cats. It’s better this way, trust me.

The mp3 player

Pictured above: Voni's actual mp3 player. It does exactly as it's told, and cost about £12322 less than an iPod. Approx.

When I say mp3 player, I mean mp3 player. The world seems to have forgotten anything other than iPods exist. I hate iPods. For one thing, they’re grammatically incorrect.

When I was younger, I had a pair of old school headphones (literally, my dad had bought them when he was 18) that I sat and wore constantly plugged into my stereo. It meant that I never heard anyone knock on my bedroom door so I was constantly startled by people seemingly barging in, and if I accidentally tripped on the cord, the house would be blasted by Everclear at top volume. It was still awesome though.

Nowadays, I can wander around the house with my tidy little Creative Zen and listen to tunes to my heart’s content. I can even plug it into my car stereo! I love living in the future.

Glasses

Ok, maybe I could live without them, but everything would be a bit blurry round the edges. And that would suck.

Things that need to be invented

Or, things that will allow me to be even lazier than I already am

One: The automatic bed maker.

I hate making the bed. HATE IT. In the name of cleanliness, I insist on stripping the bed every week without fail, washing and drying the sheets, and then... I have to put them back on. EURGH. I usually put it off until 1am when I need to go to bed, then walk upstairs and realise I’d conveniently forgotten to do that particular task until now. Damn.

It’s just too fiddly for me. If it takes longer than a minute to do, I’m not interested. It winds me up having to put the duvet in the duvet cover. WHERE ARE THE CORNERS? WHERE ARE THEY?

Two: The life remote control.

I think everybody’s fantasised about this at some point. I desperately need one as I suffer from terminal foot in mouth syndrome. A conversation with me usually goes like this:

Person: Oh, hello there. How spiffing to see you.

Me: And you! Have you seen that man over there? Isn’t he the ugliest creature you’ve ever seen?

Person: He’s my husband.

Me: Oh bollocks.

With the remote, I could just rewind time and say something incredibly witty and debonair. Let’s see that conversation again:

Me: And you! Have you seen that man over there? Isn't he the ugliest creature you've ever seen?

Person: He’s my husband.

Me: Oh bollocks. (Rewinds time)

Me: (Says something incredibly witty and debonair)

Person: Oh, how incredibly witty and debonair you are!

Three: The truth telling mirror.

In an ideal world, this would be pocket sized and unfold, Transformers style, into a full length mirror. Also, in this ideal world My Little Pony would be real and I would own a herd of the sparkly beggars.

Anyway, you would take this into clothes shop changing rooms with you, and it would tell you unflinchingly whether what you were trying on suited you or not. You can never totally rely on friends after all, because sometimes they don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying, ‘Your arse looks like an enormous sack of fighting cats in that dress.’ You can punch the mirror if it says it, because it doesn’t have feelings! Winner.

Four: The money tree

Because, obviously. Why is science screwing around trying to cure cancer? BREED ME A TREE THAT CAN PAY MY GAS BILL!

Five: The self driving car

This science fiction dream needs to become a reality. Imagine! You could drive it to the pub, and then make it drive you home after you’ve drunk the bar dry of Pina Coladas. The next morning, it can drive you to work while you have a little snooze on the backseat! I am a genius.

Even better, if we can design cars to start going out and doing all our chores for us, I NEED NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE AGAIN. I can sit in my pyjamas and watch Youtube videos all day. God, it’d be like a utopia. Or... maybe like that Stephen King story where the cars start killing people.

Erm... let’s not do that then.

Halloween costumes a go go

Obligatory Halloween costume post! GO!

AAAH SO CUTE AAAAAAAHH

I approve of this. If you're going to do family costumes, they should be cool superhero family costumes.

If you wear this, prepare to be 'poked' all night.

(That was terrible. I apologise.)

I wish I was good enough at makeup to pull this off. Right now, I can't apply mascara without poking myself in the eye. I have lost all my girl points for admitting that.

I kind of wish I hadn't already decided on my costume this year, because I totally would have done this. I really need to look up getting Daria on DVD.

OH GOD, THIS IS THE MOST TERRIFYING THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

No, wait, THIS is the most terrifying thing I've ever seen.

Ponycon 2012, or why the newspapers need to look up the word 'journalism'

So, if you browse The Guardian, The Times, or The Sun, you may well have heard about something called UK PonyCon, a convention of My Little Pony lovers descending on the East Midlands Novotel a couple of weeks ago. Hundreds of men, women and children came to meet others who love the candy coloured horses, and of course add to their ever growing herds. I, in fact, was one of them. I’d taken the day off work, saved up a big chunk of cash, and driven up for the event. I was so excited to meet others into the toys for the first time, to make some friends and have fun for two days. Imagine my surprise when I was shown the Guardian article on Saturday morning, which said I was a weird, emotionally stunted oddball for doing so.

Ok, it didn’t actually say that, but it certainly implied it. I saw the photographers milling around while at the con, but I more or less avoided them. Others, I learned later on the PonyCon forums, weren’t so lucky. Some have bemoaned the fact that they were made out to be simple minded, having their comments dramatically chopped down and rearranged to suit the writer’s needs. Soon we had come to realise that the writers had obviously come to the event with their pieces already written in their minds.

This, of course, is shockingly sloppy journalism, but it’s not a one off occurrence. Time and again we have seen pieces appear in the tabloids with almost a complete absence of facts involved. If you learn to read between the lines, it’s not a problem. The problem is that these journalists forget that the soundbites they collect are attributed to real people, people with feelings. The people I’d met at PonyCon were genuinely lovely and friendly, and would fall over themselves to help you out or make you feel at home. To take that trust and do this to them is nothing short of cruel.

Even worse is what happened to the male fans, the ‘Bronies’ (guys who discovered My Little Pony thanks to the newly revived cartoon). Two seemed to get the most flack, made out to be strange and a little bit creepy for their interest in what is a traditionally ‘girly’ cartoon. The Guardian declares ‘Men in tiaras join UK’s biggest My Little Pony fans’, but it’s almost a complete falsehood. There was one man wearing a MLP headband, because he’d won it in a game of Pinch the Parcel earlier in the day. The Sun claims that they had come to drink and cause trouble, which is, as far as I’m aware, an outright fabrication.

This, quite frankly, is outright sexism. Every Brony I met was fantastic, but to read the papers you’d think they were dangerous weirdoes. If this criticism were aimed at the women attending, there’d be complete outrage. How is it ok to smear these men’s names like this?

At the end of the day, there isn’t much we can do. We can write in and complain about how we were represented, but we will be written off as whining oddballs who need to grow up. The way the papers see it, they went to go and investigate a puff piece, something they can slide in between the horrors of the world that they are reporting on and say, ‘Look at these freaks! You’re ok because you’re normal. Don’t you feel better about yourself?’ The sad truth is that the readers lap it up. If you don’t believe me, just check out the comments on those articles. According to them I must be stupid, single (like that’s a failing), jobless (ditto) and just ridiculous.
I know I’m ok, so I can rise above it. This kind of biased reporting is not ok though, even on ‘lighthearted’ pieces like these. It doesn’t matter who you speak to, if you mis-represent them you’re causing them more distress than you realise.

Review: Red Dwarf X 'Trojan'

So last Thursday Dave premiered a brand new spanking episode of Red Dwarf, marking the beginning of the tenth series and the first proper series since 1999’s series 8 (er, perhaps it’s best to gloss over Back to Earth). When I heard it was coming back, I was both unreasonably excited and rather worried. Having been introduced to it in the late 00’s, I watched all eight series through and cried with laughter at it all. However, it had been years since it had been on air. Was it still relevant? Would it still be funny? Were the cast just too old to play the same characters again? I sat down to watch Trojan (4th October 2012) with what could be at best described as mixed feelings.

First off, check out that fancy new set eh? In true Red Dwarf style, there’s no explanation as to why everything is now red rather than military grey (or was that ocean grey), but it’s looking good. I especially like the new bunk set, let’s hope there’s more bunk scenes to go with it in future episodes.

In fact, no continuity is explained whatsoever. We dive straight in to a scene between Cat and Lister discussing moose accidents in the 1970’s. Kind of weak, but OK. After this, it becomes painfully obvious that Holly just wasn’t coming back. Sure, he/she wasn’t in Back to Earth, but they’d bring him/her back for the new series, right? Nope. I’ve heard it explained that by the end of series 5 they had run out of things for the character to do, so they had to get rid. It’s a good point, but it’s still a bit sad we’re not going to see Holly again.

As for the episode itself? Actually, it’s ok. After a rather disappointing start, and a rather overwhelming laugh track (ok guys, it’s funny, we get it!), it builds up into a good story about Rimmer’s resentment of his older brother. It harks back to the older episodes of series one and two, where Rimmer was a boiling pot of resentment and paranoia. Add in a quick dig at what I assume was Apple, and you’re onto a winner. It feels as if they’re reaching out to the old school fans, the ones who remember the show from their formative years and would appreciate this dose of nostalgia the most.

So, Trojan wasn’t the best episode yet, but it was a good opener and I have high hopes for future episodes. More please!

Forum etiquette: a guide

The internet is a wonderful, wonderful thing. We can make money online then blow it all on eBay. We can sign up for credit cards and loans faster than we can get to the fridge and back for another Coke. We can even talk to people all over the world. This, my friends, is what I want to discuss today. Internet forums have been around since roughly the dawn of internet time, but there's a worrying amount of people out there who just don't know how to use them. Fear not, readers! Once again I am here to save the day with a handy guide!

Pick your forum wisely

What do you want to talk about? 1930's plant pots? Dogs with three legs? Chewed through pen caps? Believe it or not, there will be a forum for you to discuss your love of tri-legged canines with at great length. Google is your friend.

Pick your screen name wisely

Obviously you want to pick something you like the sound of, but choose wisely! Remember, that name is all the other forum members will have to hang their opinion of you on, at first. Adding in extra asterisks and punctuation symbols may well look fancy, but I can assure you it'll do everyone else's heads in. Also, CHECK YOUR SPELLING. You don't want to mistype something and then have the horror of having a misspelled name forever. Forever on the internet is a long time.

Say hi

Most forums these days have a sub forum where you can introduce yourself. It is always worth doing this, just so everyone gets to see that you're around, and also to prove you're not a spam spewing robot (they're the worst kind). This way, once you've said hi you can jump into any other discussion without someone asking, 'Er, who are you?' Embarrassing.

Making your first thread

It's daunting, I agree. However, if you follow a few simple steps you'll be fine. One: Is the topic relevant/interesting? If you're on the three legged dog forum and you're trying to post pictures of your latest plant pot find, you're probably in the wrong place. Two: Are you putting it in the right area? Most forums have a wide array of sub forums, that keep like minded threads grouped neatly together. Yes, trying to impose order on the sprawling anarchy that is the net is a thankless task, but someone's got to do it. Three: Has it already been posted before? Do yourself a favour and use that 'search' function. If you don't, it's the law that someone will snarkily just copy/paste the link to the earlier thread in yours, and no one wants that.

Mind your manners

This being the internet, sooner or later you will come across someone with a differing opinion to you. Perhaps they will profess a love for Nickelback, or be really into collecting hub caps, or admit to eating babies. No matter how much you despise them for their hopelessly backwards ideals (Baby meat is very tender, you know. Nickelback is inexcusable), you must always be civil when debating the matter. Getting mad and calling them worse than Hitler will just make you look like another hopelessly backwards, foaming at the mouth basement dweller.

Enjoy

Make new friends, talk about your shared interests, have meet ups where you eat babies. It's all in good fun.

The best 'haunted house' tales - part two

So a couple of weeks ago I started telling you about some of my favourite haunted house stories, in honour of the fact that House at the End of the Street was coming out. As the film is now out, let’s complete that list shall we? A torch and a big duvet to hide under are optional but encouraged.

The Shining – Stephen King

Just in case you’re one of the two people who don’t know the plot, let me summarise for you. Jack Torrance decides to become the winter custodian of the Overlook Hotel, bringing his wife and young son Danny with him to the isolated building. Jack has a troubled past and Danny has ‘the shine’, and the Overlook will do anything to use one to get the other...

The Shining really is the classic ‘haunted hotel’ story. In another of his stories, ‘1408’, King wonders how many people had slept in that room? How many died? How many went insane? Hotels always have a past, and The Overlook’s past is a doozy. I really, really recommend you read the book over watching the film. The film is good, but it misses all the nuances that really make this a terrifying story.

The Woman in Black – Susan Hill

Solicitor Arthur Kipps is summoned to a small coastal town to settle the affairs of Mrs Alice Drablow, an elderly widow who lived out in the isolated Eel Marsh House. As he attempts to do his business there, he is impeded by the villagers who seem hell-bent on keeping him away. At Mrs Drablow’s funeral, he spots the titular Woman in Black. However, when he mentions her to others, they become terrified and try even harder to stop him finding out the truth...

Although this book is a beautifully written Victorian/Edwardian ghost story, it was actually published in 1983. You’ve probably already seen the film, seeing as it was Daniel Radcliffe’s first post Harry Potter project, but I really, really recommend you read the book too. It’s only a slim tome, but not a word is wasted. Plus, the ending is what can only be described as a sucker punch to the gut. If you’re not crying by the end, you’re not human.

The Haunting of Hill House – Shirley Jackson

Dr. John Montague rents out Hill House for the summer, hoping to investigate the paranormal phenomena that happens there. Joining him are Luke Sanderson, the heir of the house, Theodora, an artist, and Eleanor Vance. The latter two were invited as they are receptive to the paranormal. During their stay, Eleanor experiences more and more spiritual events, although no one is sure whether they really are being haunted, or Eleanor is slowly losing her mind?

This has been described by many as the seminal haunting story, and it’s easy to see why. The first rule in horror is ‘the monster you see isn’t nearly as scary as the monster you can’t’, and in Haunting we never see what is reaching out to the inhabitants of the house. Also, it’s never explained exactly what is happening to Eleanor. She’s a resentful character, having cared for her invalid mother until her recent death, then being dominated over by her sister, she was desperate to escape her life. Was she really being haunted, or was it all a fake?

I hope you enjoyed my picks, and give at least one a go. Unrelated, Zombie Outbreak are not liable for any nightmares you incur while doing so.

Things to do in the iPhone 5 queue

So apparently today is the launch day of the Apple iPhone 5. I’m slightly confused, because I thought it was only announced, what, five minutes ago? Let’s be honest, I don’t pay too much attention because I’ve got a year left on the contract for my Xperia Play, and I think £529 is an insane price for a phone.

Anyway, as it’s launch day you may have seen those queues of over excited early adopters queing at their local Apple stores for their shiny new phones. You may well be actually in one of those queues. With that in mind, let me give you some advice on keeping yourself entertained while you wait.

Practice your kung fu

Let’s face it, release days for new tech items are a field day for muggers. The last thing you want is to get your hands on that phone, only for some scumbag to rip it out of them (and sell it on ebay for stupid money). Don’t stand for it! As you wait, practice your best martial arts moves. If anyone tries to grab your shiny new toy, they’ll receive a karate chop to the throat for their trouble. Just watch where you’re flailing your arms in that queue.

Make some friends

Why not? Get chatting, swap email addresses and add each other on Facebook. That way, you can then get together when you have your iPhone and compare notes. ‘Does yours have an extra row for icons?’ ‘IT DOES! Let’s be BFFs!’

Call your mum

That is, assuming you still have your iPhone 4S on you and you haven’t pitched it into a nearby skip in anticipation of the upgrade. Call your mum. You probably haven’t seen her in a while. Yes, call. Remember, that thing that all phones can do but we haven’t used since, say, 2008?

Ask Siri stupid questions

Because let’s face it, she’s good for nothing else. ‘Do mice walk on stilts?’ ‘Is the moon watching me?’ ‘Are your feet made of cheese?’ May as well confuse the guys who monitor all this noise for a laugh.

Think about what that cash could have been better spent on

Like your rent, for instance. Or a boatload of groceries. Or the repairs your car sorely needs. Oh, who am I kidding, it’s your cash, do what you like. Enjoy your iPhone 5!

The best 'haunted house' tales - part one

So there’s a new movie coming out, called House at the End of the Street on the 21st of September. Early signs do not look good. Terrible title, posters covered in hot girl du jour (Jennifer Lawrence) wandering around looking scared in a vest top... meh. However, I know I’m going to see this movie. For want of a better term, I’m an utter slut for haunted house stories. There’s just something about them I find fascinating. In order to try and explain this bizarre, slightly unhealthy love, let me run down some of my favourite stories with you. If you love horror, you need to read these.

Apartment 16 – Adam Nevill

In Barrington House, an upscale apartment housing block in London, there’s one apartment that’s been empty for fifty years. No one ever goes in or out, until a night watchman hears a disturbance and investigates, changing his life forever. In the meantime, Apryl has come from America to sort out the affairs of a reclusive great aunt who died in the building, under rumours she had gone mad. She becomes determined to find out what really happened to her, despite the other tenants’ unwillingness to help.

Apartment 16 is great because it places the moments of horror very deeply in the roots of normality. The characters are incredibly believable too. At first I wanted to hate Apryl, with her stupidly spelt name and her quirky Converse boots, but in fact she was fascinating to read about. Well worth a read.

(Side note, I’ve just started reading 77 Shadow Street by Dean Koontz which appears to be almost the same book, somehow. Shall have to do more investigating into that...)

The House Next Door – Anne Rivers Seddons

Col Kennedy lives in Georgia peacefully with her husband, Walter, until a talented architect designs and has built the titular house next door. The house goes through many occupants, all who suffer horrible accidents and fatalities. It seems as if the house feeds off the fears of the families who live inside it, but what can the Kennedys do to stop it?

The House Next Door is somewhat of an anomaly for Seddons, as she is not known for writing horror stories. However, this one is fantastic. What I really love is that she never outright explains what possesses the house. More writers need to give their readers a bit more credit, as she does.

The book's had a Lifetime movie made about it, but don't hold that against it.

Ghost Story – Peter Straub

Four elderly men calling themselves the Chowder Society meet regularly in New York, in order to tell each other ghost stories. They do it to fend off the terror they feel after fifth of their number dies at a party, having apparently been frightened to death. The book centres around the stories they tell each other, and how the fear they feel begins to spread around their entire town. Soon, secrets are revealed and the past needs to be paid for.

This story is a slow mover, but that’s ok because as you’re reading, you don’t realise just how terrified you are until its too late. There are several stories that are related at length that at first, don’t seem to have any relevance to the main plot. Soon though, they all begin to tie together.

Tune in next week for my final three picks!

Filling the void in your heart with various lumps of plastic

Following on from my advice on ebaying like a pro a couple of weeks ago, I thought it might be time to share my wisdom with you in regards to collecting. After all, what else are you using ebay for if not for tracking down obscure, elusive items? Enjoy, why don’t you?

The thrill of the chase: We all know one of the best things about collecting is the chase, whether it’s watching that ebay auction like a hawk, or going trawling through the local carboot sale for those Star Wars figurines. However, the chase is as addictive as any drug. Facts. At first you’re just having a casual nosey online for your chosen item, before long you’re on auction sites in your work hours with your finger hovering over the mouse to bid because GOD FORBID anyone gets those coasters before you do. Just watch yourself, is what I’m saying.

Displaying your prized items: There are a few things to consider here. If you live alone, you can display your Snoopy plush toy army wherever you please, but if you live with others they may be upset if they have to shift several stuffed dogs before they can make a cup of tea in the morning. Also, how much room do you have? If you have a room going spare, feel free to dedicate it to your belongings. However, if there’s less space available it’s probably best not to let it take over the living room. Nothing says ‘OH HI I’M A CRAZY’ than a room full of Snoopys looming down on you.

Additional items: So you thought that collecting meant that you’d just be spending money on your chosen items? Ah, you must be new here. When you get those items, how will you display them? Scattered all over your desk like a noob? Oh, no. You need to invest in furniture. Shelves, display cabinets, risers, the lot. IKEA is going to be your new best friend.

Thinning the herd: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you will just buy too much. You’ll have no room for your new collectible ALF dinner plates, and so something will have to go. Be ruthless. Do you love it? Will you pass it down to your first born in your will? Would you save it in a house fire before your first born? If not, get rid. It’s not worth the valuable shelf space.

Budgeting: You’re going to have to manage your money. Sooner or later you’ll find a whole bunch of things you want at once when you can only afford one or two of them. Can you live without it, or will it fill the empty void in your heart that accumulating various lumps of plastic goes some way towards healing? One day, you will have to let something go. It will be hard. It will be painful. However, don’t let anyone see you crying over the He Man figure that got away. It’s a bit worrying.

Things I know about Sonic the Hedgehog

So Rich is moving house this week and currently panicking about how to transfer all of his worldly belongings into a small flat, so here I am. Sorry about that.

In other news, we've only had our lovely shiny new HD TV 18 months before we though, 'Hey, does the Megadrive still work on this thing?' Five minutes later, we've discovered that it indeed does, and Matt is happily playing Sonic on the living room floor like a five year old. Good times.

Watching him play, this has made me realise that I really don't know an awful lot about the speedy blue hedgehog. Who decided a hedgehog was a speed freak anyway? Crazy game developers. Anyway, I have decided to compile a list of what I DO know, as lists are fun. Here goes:

1. Sonic is a blue hedgehog.
2. He has a friend called Tails, who is a fox with two tails.
3. Tails can use these as a helicopter, somehow.
4. Rings are involved.
5. Seriously, Sonic REALLY likes rings.
6. There doesn't appear to be a methadone style ring substitute in the Sonic world.
7. The bonus levels were designed by someone who was clearly on acid.
8. If you call Robotnik Eggman, fans will actually shank you for it.
9. What the hell is Knuckles?
10. Seriously, WTF Japan?!

Ok I'm done, and I'm bored now. I'm off to watch Matt drown in the Labyrinth levels.

Webcomics!

So it's the weekend. Have you got plans? No? Well fear not, I'm sure with one of these comics I can easily waste hours upon hours of your life! Unless, that is, you read all the same comics as I do. As we both know, that is very unlikely and rather stalkery. Just.. just move away from me a bit. Over there. Yeah, cheers.

Anyway, if you're looking for a new comic to read, you can't go wrong with one of the following:

Megacynics

Written by a brother/sister duo who only found out they were related a few years ago, it's a slice of life adventure, if your brother is a rich investor in the gaming scene, and can sic ninjas on you at any given moment.

HiJinks Ensue

Based upon the writer's life and his two friends, as well as his IRL friendship with Wil Wheaton (oh yes, they are friends. Everyone is jealous). Lots of geek jokery and appreciation of bacon.

Questionable Content

Indie music jokes, geek jokes, and there's sentient computers called 'anthro PCs' running about, putting unspeakable things into your search history. What's not to love?

XKCD

If you read this, I'm fairly sure you know what XKCD is. Jokes that, when you get them, make you feel really, really smart. Mmm.

Penny Arcade

Oh come on, you know what Penny Arcade is!

Kimono's Townhouse

Yeah I know it's ponies, but give it a chance! It's all geek and tech jokes! It's actually ridiculously funny! Also, the creator customizes the toys so they can have different poses in each scene. That's commitment.

eBay Etiquette

So you might have heard of this website, it’s called eBay? Oh you have? Excellent. Well, I’m going to explain to you today how exactly to use it. After all, there’s etiquette to be observed, even on the internet.

Step one: Search for your required item

Harder than it looks. Type in ‘Iron Man’ and you might find the DVD you were looking for, in between all the action figures, toys, comic books, and the one guy who listed a clothes iron Halloween costume as ‘Iron Man’ because he thinks he’s funny. Instead, type in something like, ‘Iron Man DVD AND I MEAN IT EBAY OR I SWEAR I’LL CUT YOU’ and you’ll get better results.

Step two: Select your item

Even after doing such a refined search, you’ll probably have a large list of identical items to browse through. Now is the time to cull the dodgy listings from the reasonable ones. Stupidly high price? Nope. Clearly used and battered? Seeya! Obviously NOT the item it’s advertised as? Do one! However, be really picky. After all, if that seller wants your money they must earn it. Is the photo out of focus? Is the postage a couple of pence/cents too high? Does their username offend you? Bin it all!

Step three: The art of the watch list

Now, you should have a few items that you now want to keep an eye on. Thankfully, eBay provides the ‘watch list’ for this very purpose. Add them all, and now you have a handy place to track all those Garfield alarm clocks you’re planning on buying to truly freak out your roommate. However, beware! Having those items in your watch list means that slowly but surely, you will come to see them as already belonging to you. There is no greater pain than watching an auction end early because someone made an offer outside of eBay for the item. In these cases, it is totally ok to track those people down and torture them with Friends reruns. It’s protected in the declaration of human rights. Look it up.

Step four: Winning, or snipe like you mean it

If you’re really serious about winning, you need to learn how to snipe. No, I don’t mean like with a gun, but if you lose, it may be an option. No, I mean sitting on the auction until the last few seconds, and BOOM! Dropping your bid in at the last possible moment, meaning no one else can bid, you win, and everyone can suck on their crushing defeat. I think I just mixed some metaphors there, but never mind. Be warned though, sniping can get heated, and before long you realise you’ve bid your rent money on an old box of Coco Pops.

Step five: Receiving your precious, precious goods

Now comes the best bit: getting your stuff! Everyone likes getting parcels in the post, it’s like receiving Christmas presents out of season by a surly, underpaid Santa! When you unwrap your items, make sure it’s exactly as you though it would be. Many a time have I bought something and noticed errors and flaws that weren’t in the photo! After this, make sure you leave appropriate feedback. ‘Quick delivery, but not quite as I expected’ is fine. ‘I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE FOR THIS OUTRAGE’, however, is not.
Happy bidding!