For British readers only.

Just for fun, lets see how many Americans I can alienate...

About a fortnight ago in autumn i was lying in bed in my flat when I heard the fire alarm! I jumped out of bed, pulled on my pants, then my trousers, and ran for the the sitting room, in my rush to leave my bedroom I scratched my arm on the TV aerial, trod on a drawing pin and tripped over a football, smacking my funny bone on the skirting board.

I found that my flatmate had left sausages wrapped in aluminium foil on fire in the rubbish bin. “bugger” I shouted, before running across the hall to knock up my flat mate, she was shattered from the pub last night and lying on the sofa in just her knickers and a bath robe, getting her up was as hard as finding the end on a roll of sellotape.

I thought I'd better give the fire brigade a bell so I grabbed my mobile and dialled 999, but as it was a bank holiday the fire engine could not get there for a bloody long time, so me and my flatmate decided to grab any food we could and make a run for it.

I got hold of a jar of jam, a Swiss roll, some crisps, a packet of biscuits and a couple of ice lollies, but she was too busy pulling on an an anorak and a pair of trainers and Mucking about trying to find her fags and all she got was a couple of baps and a courgette.

We took the lift down to the ground floor and ran for her car, while throwing the food into the boot, I almost tripped over the bumper and knocked off the number plate but in the end I just scraped my leg on the exhaust.

We where in such a hurry to get out of the car park that when we pulled out of our cul-de-sac and onto the duel carriageway we almost went straight up the central reservation but in the end we safely took the motorway to the city centre.

We stopped to fill the car with petrol and I noticed a pushchair unattended so I decided to check it out. The baby inside was in a nappy and sucking on a dummy I looked around for her mother and spotted her in the queue of the petrol station talking to the sales assistant, lucky for me there was a bobby near by swinging his truncheon so i left the baby well enough alone.

We found a local cinema and played noughts and crosses while watching a couple of films. In the end the only thing damaged in the flat where the blinds and a pair of curtains