‘My soap is not weird enough! I must stick a pony in it!’

God, I love the internet.

I don’t know what it is about My Little Pony fans, but they seem to be compelled to create weird crap emblazoned with their favourite characters to be sold on Etsy, that seething cauldron of madness and a lack of medication. Whatever it is, at least it keeps me entertained. And if it keeps me entertained, I’m going to share it with you. Enjoy!

A Pony Adventure into Photoshop



http://tinyurl.com/69qfx4s

Okay, I see what you’re doing here. Personalised invites are fun, and any parent looking to save some time will just buy these to save writing the damned things out by hand. But how long will it be before everyone realises that anyone with a computer and a copy of Photoshop (i.e. nearly everyone ever) could knock these out in 10 minutes?

Pony + Robot = BFF



http://tinyurl.com/5v3d2q8

...I don’t get it. Is it meant to be cute? Have a quick nosey through the seller’s items, there’s a whole series of these things. Something tells me she’s (it’s got to be a she. Right? Right?) angling for a deal with one of the big card chains that sells those rubbish grey bears holding signs saying ‘I Wuv Woo’ or something similar. These things don’t strike me as cute, just kind of creepy. And the comb is far too big in comparison to the pony. I’m just saying.

Pony Bling, Again



http://tinyurl.com/5sa355w

‘Why Voni’ you might say, ‘There’s nothing wrong with this. Sure, it’s a bit tacky, and why it’s being modelled on a bust of Buddha only the Baby Jesus knows, but it’s not insane, as such’. Well, no. But click the link and take a look at the price on that bad boy. That’s right, $60! I’ll pass thanks. Also, on a very sad and geeky note; that pony ain’t vintage, that particular style’s only been around for a couple of years. Bah.

Pony Balaclava, You’re Doing it Wrong



http://tinyurl.com/6x23zz9

In the interests of being fair, I must point out that this isn’t a knitted head bag for your pony, in case you ever need to kidnap and transport them to their doom. It’s actually the back of a bizarre bonnet style... thing. There’s several of them on the site, and some of them have pictures from the front, but for some reason the seller chose to display this one with the back of its head to the camera. Why? Madness, I told you.

Pony Canine Relations



http://tinyurl.com/6325t74

It took me a while of staring at this to realise that yes, it is a dog coat, and that hole in the picture is actually meant for the dog’s head. Somebody will buy this. Somebody who wants to dress their dog up in a shopping bag shaped My Little Pony themed coat. I would like to find out where this person lives, and stay the hell away from their bus routes. I can only imagine the conversations they try to strike up with captive audiences on public transport.

The Horror, the Pony Horror Part One



http://tinyurl.com/62l6vnv

Apparently, this piggy bank is meant to look like a pony. Is anyone sure as to how that is meant to happen? Seriously, I want to know. I feel like I should be drunk or high to get it. And as I plan on being neither any time soon, you’re going to have to help me out here. And why has it only got one eye? WHY? That’s going to give children nightmares. I hope this seller can afford the subsequent counselling fees.

The ‘How Did You Come Up With That One?’ Pony



http://tinyurl.com/63ysd5w

When I saw this one, I actually cocked my head to the side like a dog as I tried to make sense of it. How in the name of the aforementioned Baby Jesus did the seller think this up? What drives someone to say, ‘No! My soap isn’t weird enough! I must stick a pony in it!’ And how do you wash with it anyway? You can’t get up a good lather when half the soap is taken up with plastic 80’s toy.

This Top Needs More Pony Hair!



http://tinyurl.com/6l3mroh

The seller states that if we bought this top we could style the hair on our shiny new My Little Pony vest top as we saw fit. That’s all very well and good, BUT WHY IS THERE HAIR ON IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Plus, I bet it all goes horrible and manky in the wash.

The Horror, the Pony Horror Part Two



http://tinyurl.com/6za3q7z

OH GOD MY EYES.

This isn’t steampunk, it’s an abomination. And it’s a Theremin too? Are you sure? Are you sure it’s not just a CRIME AGAINST NATURE?

I hope you enjoyed my extra long column this week. Let me know if you want to see more, because God knows if I give it a couple of weeks I can dredge even more mental illness, sorry, items, from Etsy. If not, I promise to be quiet about ponies. For at least a week. Maybe.

-Friday Voni