The Only Way is Essex - no brains needed...

“This programme contains flash cars, big watches and glamping. The tans that you see might be fake, but the people are all real although some of what they do has been set up purely for your entertainment”

From the starting screen. A bit of a contradiction eh? And what the hell is glamping?

If you’re intrigued and you want to delve deeper into a programme full of weird plot lines, intense camera shots, bad acting, romance, bro-mance, break-ups and extreme amounts of make-up, well The Only Way is Essex is for you, that’s if you can stomach it...

It’s supposed to be a fly on the wall documentary/soap/fake reality show/extended advert really it’s anything but genuine. Everything is scripted, from the clothes they wear to the scenarios they just ‘fall’ into.

-OMG Joey is cheating on me with Amy but it ok as his D&G shoes are minging -

Most of the plots are as pointless as this previous sentence. The episodes have as much structure as Lady Gaga’s wardrobe!

It’s about a group of ‘Lads and Ladies’ and how they live the glamorous life in Essex. More like dressed up chavs who drop consonants more than their pants, which most of the time they don’t wear. The boys are egotistical (rhymes with mats) and the women are brainless bimbos who can be seen throughout the episode reapplying their slosh of makeup.

A truly gripping conversation from TOWIE (Yeah they even have a stupid anagram):

James Argent –Yeah, You can be my tennis partner but make sure you’re boobs are out and your arse is out so when were playing you can put our opponents off, yeah?

Amy Childs - I’m not a porn star-rrrr (emphasise it like

James Argent -Yeah well, Y’know but still

Amy Childs - Yeah well I was gonna anyway ,Ill shake them too (shakes boobs at him, they don’t even move)

I just about managed to sit through two episodes where I experienced some of the side effects of this trashy TV: sore eyes due to seeing far too many fake tans and plastered faces and also and ringing ears as a result of the mindless dribble coming out of everyone’s highly glossed, collagen enhanced, mouths.

I did learn a few things though;

- A few layers of make-up and men will fall at your feet, that is of course until your make up does

-Getting Tango'd is in fashion right now

-The expresionless horse is the best look for plastic surgery

-There are people who exist who have a lower IQ than a post box

You may wonder why so many people love this show. It’s really the really joy of watching it, knowing you’re not them, and that can really cheer anyone up.

According to the Daily Mail:

“They might look to be living the high life on The Only Way Is Essex, but the reality TV show’s cast members are only earning £50 per day. Soon they might not be able to keep up their regular spray tans if their wages don’t increase, as they’re only making 32p more than the National Minimum wage hourly rate of £5.93, if their wage is split over an eight hour day.”

Hmmm....does anyone care?

Nope?

Didn’t think so...

If I were you avoid this programme at all costs or your brain will turn to mush!