Please don't tell her.....

Don't Tell The Bride

I was going to put his in the 'Crap T.V section' but I'm glad I didn't, instead I watched this with an open mind because, I'm sad to say it, I do actually 'like' this show. By 'like, I mean I only watch it with the hope of the wedding failing completely at the end!


Oh don't look at me like that! You will think the same thing after you watch it...

The aim of the show is that the 'Groom-to-be' is fully responsible for all the wedding arrangements. He is in control of the budget (which is set at the beginning of the show and can't be changed) the venue, food, decoration, dresses and suits as well as every other little detail. You might think 'oh with today's modern man this shouldn't be too bad' but I sense a few women faint at the thought of their other half planning their dream day!


Common worries for these unfortunate Brides-to-be...

He wouldn't even know my dress/shoe size!
He would waste it all on his stag night!
I won't marry him if he does that!
He wont invite the in-laws!
Why me!

Unfortunately, the producers pick the worst contestants; think mindless, selfish, boisterous men. Add a a lot of immaturity and a 'ah it'll do attitude' and your only half way there!

Usually its guys who:

• Gets dating advice from Star Wars "I swear, I didn't know we were related!"
• Thinks a romantic night in is more order a takeaway than actually take her away!
  
• Thinks "Oh I can buy her an Xbox for Christmas, she won't know its for me really!"
• Thinks a slathering of make-up is 'Attractive'

Most of the Brides-to-be on the show are complete BRIDEZILLA'S so really it's just Karma!


There has been some great 'O-M-G DID HE REALLY DO THAT' moments on the show!

After finding a wedding shop, Jay, a fiance on the show said...
"That's a wedding dress, sorted" ..this was after his butch male friend tried one the first one they got out!

Also this 'wonderful man' remembered how his wife was insecure about her nose and always wanted a 'nose job'. Knowing how to make his fiancee happy, he decided to....
DESIGN THE WHOLE WEDDING CAKE TO BE IN THE SHAPE OF HER NOSE!
"At least now she gets her dream of cutting a bit off"

Just when you thought humanity couldn't get any worse!


I'm guessing this show caused quite a few break ups!

You can watch them on BBC i-player - LINK

I watch it, so you dont have to....

A quick overview of more rubbish television shows that you should avoid:

Glee

Point made.

Cougar Town

Oh it’s that one off Friends and oh my, she’s BUTT NAKED. And it’s that one off Scrubs and she’s still a moody so and so! And oh it’s what’s his face off Glee or something. Yeah, this programme has recycled a lot of people. It’s basically about them getting old and trying to get some. It does have some bits though, like when Monica isn’t desperately trying to get a toy-boy which is 97.9% of the show.

Hannah Montanna

Are school children so damn stupid that they don’t realise SHE HAS THE SAME FACE/VOICE as Hannah Montanna/Miley Cyrus!! Its soo tweeny; with bazillions of cheesy songs and scenarios.”OMG chase is going to ask Miley Cyrus to the dance but Justin has already asked ‘Hannah Montanna’ what will she do?Its really about lying and cheating her way through school as well as coping with a split personality....

Katie

Fame hungry, Ex - model Jordan and her ongoing attempts on shoving her 'real life' down our throats. Her new toy-boy can’t even understand her; he's Argentinean with little knowledge of English. She tells him her most intimate thoughts via translator. Her face doesn’t move. Her lips look like a constant painful trout-pout. Extensions, photo shoots, nails, pink fluff....I’d rather flush my head down the toilet than watch this shi...

The Hunks

How many shirtless, muscle laden torsos can you fit into one scene, really? This has too many. I mean I could make orange juice off them (like the orange juicer where you crush it on its ripples...my visual for you has just failed) A show about ‘hunks’, sit ups, pointless conversations, too many montages and all the women they so easily ‘get it on’ with.

Sweet Sixteen

Brats with birthdays ....and they have Daddy’s credit card on tap.

The Only Way is Essex - no brains needed...

“This programme contains flash cars, big watches and glamping. The tans that you see might be fake, but the people are all real although some of what they do has been set up purely for your entertainment”

From the starting screen. A bit of a contradiction eh? And what the hell is glamping?

If you’re intrigued and you want to delve deeper into a programme full of weird plot lines, intense camera shots, bad acting, romance, bro-mance, break-ups and extreme amounts of make-up, well The Only Way is Essex is for you, that’s if you can stomach it...

It’s supposed to be a fly on the wall documentary/soap/fake reality show/extended advert really it’s anything but genuine. Everything is scripted, from the clothes they wear to the scenarios they just ‘fall’ into.

-OMG Joey is cheating on me with Amy but it ok as his D&G shoes are minging -

Most of the plots are as pointless as this previous sentence. The episodes have as much structure as Lady Gaga’s wardrobe!

It’s about a group of ‘Lads and Ladies’ and how they live the glamorous life in Essex. More like dressed up chavs who drop consonants more than their pants, which most of the time they don’t wear. The boys are egotistical (rhymes with mats) and the women are brainless bimbos who can be seen throughout the episode reapplying their slosh of makeup.

A truly gripping conversation from TOWIE (Yeah they even have a stupid anagram):

James Argent –Yeah, You can be my tennis partner but make sure you’re boobs are out and your arse is out so when were playing you can put our opponents off, yeah?

Amy Childs - I’m not a porn star-rrrr (emphasise it like

James Argent -Yeah well, Y’know but still

Amy Childs - Yeah well I was gonna anyway ,Ill shake them too (shakes boobs at him, they don’t even move)

I just about managed to sit through two episodes where I experienced some of the side effects of this trashy TV: sore eyes due to seeing far too many fake tans and plastered faces and also and ringing ears as a result of the mindless dribble coming out of everyone’s highly glossed, collagen enhanced, mouths.

I did learn a few things though;

- A few layers of make-up and men will fall at your feet, that is of course until your make up does

-Getting Tango'd is in fashion right now

-The expresionless horse is the best look for plastic surgery

-There are people who exist who have a lower IQ than a post box

You may wonder why so many people love this show. It’s really the really joy of watching it, knowing you’re not them, and that can really cheer anyone up.

According to the Daily Mail:

“They might look to be living the high life on The Only Way Is Essex, but the reality TV show’s cast members are only earning £50 per day. Soon they might not be able to keep up their regular spray tans if their wages don’t increase, as they’re only making 32p more than the National Minimum wage hourly rate of £5.93, if their wage is split over an eight hour day.”

Hmmm....does anyone care?

Nope?

Didn’t think so...

If I were you avoid this programme at all costs or your brain will turn to mush!

Bridalplasty: The latest low in humanity

Just when you thought television couldn’t get any worse *ahem Jersey Shore*, they throw this in your face (and then suggest a full facelift) It's Bridalplasty a new hit American reality show.

If you haven’t watched it yet, don’t, really. Your mind will turn to mush. I have now lost all faith in my television...

Basics: twelve brides-to-be compete to win a dream holiday. Sounds like your average easy to digest yet tasteless evening programme. They live together without their beloved Fiancés of whom they can’t see until the end of the programme. On their wonderful, magnificent journey of self discovery and friendship (yes I’m being highly sarcastic) they also compete to win plastic surgery procedures off their wish list. I was like seriously, SERIOUSLY. When you think of wish lists for brides to be out pops stainless steel cutlery, ergonomically correct kettles, John Lewis Wine glasses, Swarovskiencrusted toasters at the most please!

It’s extremely creepy. Each scene has a woman with a bandage on her face, someone in pain, an argument and most noticeable low self esteem and self worth. Then some surgeon draws on their naked drooping bits then cut scene to immense surgery and them happy smiling brides-to-be because she just sucked fat out of her ass and implanted it to get ‘Scarlett Johansson lips’. This just has fail written all over it.In black marker, right next to ‘cut here’ on her thigh. As soon as they started getting past the most common procedures i.e. Nose Jobs, Boob jobs, Liposuction Botox they had to find more, no bit was missed.

Gum reductions? How the hell does that work! Ear pinning; SHE DIDNT EVEN HAVE EARS! sigh What makes it worse is that they are not sweet, shy people who want to fix their crooked teeth/slight facial deformity (if it was it would still be terrible, more so actually); they are complete fakes and Bridezillas. If someone was to tell them that, they would just: call their surgeon (on speed dial of course!), reshape their face, get some hair extensions, nail extensions (look like claws), a fresh dose of clown-like make up and go, WHOS A BRIDZILLA NOW! This kind of contradicts what I just called you stupid but hey, if you’re that shallow, you probably don’t have a brain.

When doing the ‘Lie Detector test’ as one of their challanges;

Jennessa: I’m really gonna hurt AJ’s (her fiancé) feelings by saying that but I need to win this!

Yeah, I don’t think you’re going to have a Fiancé at the end of this! Actually, will any of their partners stay with them? If I fell in love with one person: their looks, personality, and they Frankenstein’d themselves because they are that vain, would you really want to be with them? I couldn’t watch anymore so I’m sorry its short and sweet, it was that bad.

(Pictures from my phone just to prove I did sit through this crap!)