My doctor said I'm two tents

Hi kids, Friday Voni here. Saturday Simon’s abandoned us this week to check out the Download festival, the lucky swine. So while he’s out in a field drinking cider and watching Def Leppard, you’re stuck with me. Sorry about that.



I’d be there too but a) it costs a lot of money and b) camping. I HATE camping. I can’t see the point of freezing your ass off in the open when there are thousands of comfy hotels with lovely warm beds and running water (not to mention fluffy dressing gowns) to stay in. It’s utterly daft. And before you say it, I’ve been camping. Three times. I can safely say I have sampled it and hated it, and here’s why, in handy list form:

It’s too damned cold: No, seriously, it is. I’ve camped in the middle of summer and have woken up shivering in the middle of the night when the temperature’s dropped. It doesn’t help when you’re camping in England, where a hot summer is one where you can take your rain mac off for five minutes. How is sleeping in a tent a good idea at all?



You have to put the tent up: We all know what a trauma that is. Hotel rooms come fully constructed. I’m just saying.

There are no showers: Ok, yes, some campsites come with shower blocks, but either you have to pay to use them or they’re just too hideous to contemplate. Plus they’re always MILES away from your tent. Why? How is that useful? Give me hotel bathrooms with plenty of shampoo and shower caps to nick. (Zombieoutbreak.com does not condone stealing).

Limited cooking facilities: Hello, food poisoning.



I’m a big wimp: Yeah, I’ll admit it. I’m just too much of a wuss to make it in the outdoors. If I can’t plug in my laptop or get a phone signal, I’ll start hyperventilating. What? At least I didn’t sell my kidney for an iPad 2 like that Chinese kid did.

Normal service resumed next week, when hopefully Simon won’t have lost any of his digits to frostbite.