Some times it's hard to be a woman

Every week I think of these amazing ideas to write in my blog. Then the week starts, I have no time to fart and I end up screaming people to 'inspire me' because I've forgotten about the amazing idea I had. This weeks idea involved crayons and a match box, but the rest of it I cannot recall. All I know is that it would have been brilliant.

I'm noticing that there is a (loose) theme for my blog updates; how awesome it is to be a domestic goddess aka a wonderful woman aka Hulse (that's me, obviously). Seeing as this is clearly my forte and people are often stopping me in the street and shouting "I WANT TO BE YOU! YOURE SO AMAZING A FULL OF DECORUM! TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!" it is my duty to help the public.
____

Today's domestic theme is: Going out on the piss aka Being a socialite

Friends
Ah yes friends, remember those? Those people that you came out with? Where are they now? Hmm? You don't know because you're shitfaced and you've fallen asleep under a table. GO AND FIND THEM! Never leave your friends and don't let them leave you, they are vital to a night out for the following reasons A) they will buy you a drink if you ask them nicely and B) It's a cheaper taxi ride home.
If you have snuck a bottle of vodka out with you and you live next to the pub this section will be irrelevant.

High Heeled shoes
No, Don't wear these -Unless you’re planning on battering someone to death with your feet or stamping on some testicles.
You need to be trained in the art of high heeled shoes and to be trained takes years, a lot of vodka and idiocy.
Dancing around your house to the spice girls in your 8" heels from primark and thinking “This doesn’t hurt so bad” will not be the same at 3am when you've walked from 5 bars, danced all night and you’re shrieking at taxi drivers “Why wasn't I born with hooves?!”
Girls who can wear heels are serious athletes. I bow down to them. I would avoid.

Getting a round in.
Never get the first round of drinks in, Are you stupid? In fact, try to avoid 'rounds' at all.
However, if you are in a social situation that requires rounds of drinks it is important that you get the last round in of the group. This is because chances are that everyone will be pissed by the time its your turn and the 'rounds' systems will have fallen to the way side and by this point most people won't want another drink because they still haven’t finished their last drink if you time it right.
I'm just trying to save you people money, times are hard and I’m stealing your pensions.
Better still, find yourself one of those people, men I think they're called. They're rather useful at providing alcohol and if you offer to get one drink out of every five they buy you, your lack of generosity seems to go unnoticed.


Seeing people you dislike when out.
Ignore them until your pissed, then start shouting loudly about them. There's nothing else I can offer about this topic.

Winning the dance floor
This is key to a good night out. If this doesn't succeed then you have failed as a person and your life is worthless :

1 – Get in the middle of the dance floor
2 – Dance like an idiot, roll around on the floor, jump on things (if there are no things, then jump on people)
3 – Shout the lyrics. If you don't know the words make them up. Obviously.
4 – Dance like an idiot but with bigger arm movements and Mchammer style choreography.
This is vital! I don't care if youre in a classic ballroom or a metal club. I can not stress the importance of doing a big fat win on the dance floor. If there is no dance floor make your own! Also the more friends (see above) you have the more likely It is that you will win the dance floor. The aims is to make everyone else feel awkward because you have just 'lost your shit'

Home
You've made it home! CONGRATULATIONS! What time is it? 5am? Eugh!
Pint of water, take your make up off and bed. Done.
Don't text people, don't ring people, don't go on the internet. You've probably made a tit out of yourself enough tonight, do you not think?


Facebook
All of your friends have camera phones. All of them. Even trampy Alan who used to have a nokia from 1999, remember him? Well, even he has a camera phone now! Fair enough he's cellotaped an actually camera to his house phone BUT HE STILL HAS A CAMERA PHONE!
Combine this with facebook and alcohol and you have a deadly combination.
A night that starts of like this

May end up like this

God, I'm beautiful

I speak from experience ladies.