The Los Santos personal safety guide

If you’re vaguely aware of the internet, you’re probably aware that Grand Theft Auto 5 (or ‘V’, as they’re calling it) was announced recently. This is great news for armchair criminals everywhere, but not for the residents of the fictional Los Santos. For their benefit, here’s my guide to personal safety on the mean streets of the city.

Carjacking



Carjacking is utterly rife in Los Santos, with people being pulled from their hard earned cars left right and centre. More often than not, these cars are then taken on high speed police chases around the city, before being blown up, ran into buildings, or thrown into the sea. What’s a good, law abiding citizen to do?

I’ll tell you what: LOCK YOUR DOORS! I mean, seriously! It isn’t hard! The amount of unlocked cars around Los Santos is stupid. Even lock them when you’re driving. Especially lock them when you’re driving. Unless you routinely have enough cash on you to get a taxi all the way home after you’re pulled out of your car. Again.

Drugs



Now look, I know drugs are tempting. Life is hard, especially when criminal gangs keep nicking all your stuff and all you have for entertainment is the occasional car chase across town. But listen to me, it isn’t worth it. All it means is that you’ll end up in debt and probably capped by some lowlife scum on the orders of some criminal bigwig.

While we’re on the subject, DON’T PICK UP SUSPICIOUS PACKAGES YOU FIND IN THE STREET. It may well be drugs, and while you’re thinking, ‘Hey, free drugs!’, someone will be on their way to pick that package up and when they see you nicking their merchandise, they’re apt to run you over. With your own car.

Guns



Get a gun. Get two. Get as many as you can carry. I’m not kidding, the streets are scary as hell and you don’t want to be the only one who isn’t packing.

I don’t mean go crazy with an AK-47. Get yourself some decent weapons and learn how to use them. Ammunation have shooting ranges for a reason, you know. That way, when the goons come calling, you can blast them all to kingdom come and protect your family.

Police



Be friendly with the police. They might get on your nerves sometimes, with all that eating doughnuts and directing that traffic that they do, but honestly, you want them on your side. Half of them are as corrupt as a dodgy hard drive, and the others are apt to shoot as soon as look at you if they suspect you’re a crook.

Now, when I say be friendly, I don’t mean turn snitch for them. You may as well paint a great big bull’s eye on your chest. Just, you know, obey the law and that.

Road safety



The roads are a scary place in Los Santos. If criminals aren’t carjacking, they’re driving erratically, knocking down whatever gets in their way, be it lampposts, parking meters or old grannies. Basically, every time you step out of the door in the morning, you’re liable to be mangled in a horrible car accident.

I think the best advice I can give you is to invest in a tank.

‘Ladies of the Night’



Don’t. Just don’t.