Lindsey Hulse's Review of Lindsey Hulse Made Up Album – In the Style of an NME reporter

I came across this album in pound land, the cover shows a dog vomiting into a coconut with the words “I am Awesome” in bright yellow font on the dogs eyes.
This is of course the well known and popular début album by Lindsey Hulse, the loud mouth and abusive woman from Scunthrope, who's well known for wearing a dress of tenna lady pads to the brit awards.
Using her vocals much in the style of Bjork and Kate Bush, sounding like a French pig being set fire to and put out with a spade.
Truly ground breaking .

The Album only had 5 tracks, but here are my views on what I heard

Track One. Stop rubbing your balls on my Salad nan (Intro)
The album starts you off on your magical journey into Hulse's mind. You are introduced to the sounds of a boiler being hit by a slipper, whilst Hulse's calming vocals lull you into a false sense of security before she suddenly starts screaming “SALAD! NAN!” bringing a harsh contrast to the beginning few minutes of the track. The lyrics express Hulse's disapproval of men in society, and how it's not OK to rub your testicles on something and clam it as your own. Have the young women of Britain finally found a voice they can relate to?


Track Two. “ Do you ever clamp your bum together so your fart goes up your fanny?”
As I said before, this is truly a ground breaking track, smacking you straight in the face with an issue even feminists rarely mention. I find myself asking “Do I? DO I EVER DO THAT?” that’s the moment when I realise I do, and those that don't should. The use of dustbin lids and a blender really pull together the sound of Hulse's voice and she shrieks the lyrics (which are the title track) and the word 'Alligator' over 58 times, more times than ever used on a track in history.
It's 8:37 min long, and in my opinion, it's too short.


Track Three. I'm a pro-lapser
As the title suggests, the song is more than just a story about prolapsing; its shows a woman’s journey via telephone into caravan park where her bum falls out. The issue of the 'prolapsing anus' has been covered widely in the current media, and this is Hulse's tongue in cheek take on this. Hulse sings through a vaginal clamp to create the eerie effects of being trapped inside someone’s vagina. A extremely haunting song which will stick with you for weeks, causing you to sit up in bed and sob for the poor woman with the broken anus and a broken heart.

Track Four. All the jelly in the world couldn’t fill the void you left when you took the TV (I did try to fill it, literately, it was a awful mess and a waste of jelly)
Don't let the title fool you, this is a biopic tale of A woman who drowns to death in her own toilet, much like Lindsey’s own pet Cat in the 80s. Lasting just 5 seconds, it's a brilliant homage to the great Whitney Houston. Belting out a pure crescendo of musical bliss.


Track Five. Real or Fake (I'm on about your tits, love)
The final track on Hulse's EP is a damning commentary on binge drinking and 'Broken Britain' where no one escapes the blame. The lyrics, including the lines 'When I turn on my tv in the AM, and see the load up screen to Babestation looking back at me, the memories of the night before crawl over me like a fungal infection', highlight a side of Hulse that promises a much darker follow up to this tour de force of a debut album.


I give this album 5/5 Brains