I’ve never played Pokemon.
THERE I SAID IT.
Here’s the thing: I didn’t get heavily into gaming until early 1997 with the gift of a Playstation that was given to me by my grandparents. I had actually owned an original Game Boy back in the day, but I managed to lose it somehow. Or maybe my mum sneakily sold it. After all, those things were the size of a brick, you couldn’t lose them if you tried. The upshot of this is that the whole Pokemon phenomenon just passed me by.
Years later, I am a grown adult (I know, I was as surprised as anyone to find that out) with my own money and a DSi XL (I refuse to buy a 3DS. 3D is stupid). I decided, maybe, just maybe, it was time to investigate this thing. After all, it has made like a gazillion dollars worldwide, so it must be good. Plus, my 11 year old cousin loves it. That in mind, I acquired a copy of Pokemon Black and dived in head first. This is a first hand account of what happened.
World: Play Pokemon! It is made of diamonds and unicorn tears!
Me: Ah, why not, I’ve got nothing more important to do (read: no one is shouting at me to do anything).
Me: I don’t actually know what kind of game this is, apart from collecting bizarre animals. It is Japanese though, so I know it will be weird.
Me: I wonder what the difference is between Black and White? Should I play both?
Internet: They have different Pokemon in them.
Me: I’ll just play Black then.
Me: WTF is this opening sequence? Did I get the right game?
Me: This is a JRPG isn’t it?
Me: Oh HELL. Well, I’m committed now.
Pokemon Black: Here is your character, impose your name and gender upon them.
Me: Must resist the urge to call her ‘Tart Features’... I’m an adult now. I get bills and everything.
Pokemon Black: Pick a Pokemon out of these three.
Me: What? None of these are Pikachu! This sucks! I suppose I’ll take Tepig. He’s a fire one, right?
Me: He is! Sweet. His name’s stupid though.
Pokemon Black: Send your child like avatar into the world, to leave them at the mercy of every paedophile ever.
Me: That can’t be right. Kicking kids out to fight each other with wild animals? I know you’re odd, Japan, but you aren’t that cruel. ARE YOU?
Internet: In Black and White the characters are teenagers but in earlier Pokemon games, yes, they were kids.
Me: WTFBBQ?!
Me: Ah. Combat. Here we go then.
Some time later...
Me: Oh cool, Tepig’s evolving.
Me: Oh, now he’s called Pignite. LOL I GET IT.
Me: Trudge, trudge, trudge. Oh look, another city.
Me: Team Plasma are rubbish, where are Team Rocket with that cat thing? I saw the cartoons.
Me: This game is actually a massive grindfest, isn’t it?
Me: I think I’m going to scoop out my own eyeballs through boredom.
Me: I mean, look at the Pokedex. You mean I have to level them ALL up? I’ve got things to do over here!
Pokemon Black: I’ve glitched out now, rendering the game unfinishable.
Me: Oh, thank GOD. (Boots up Portal 2 for the billionth time).
By the way, I kind of stole this format from a recent www.mommywantsvodka.com post. You should go read it because it’s awesome, and it will assuage some of my guilt. Thanks.
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