Punch it in its minty green chops

So the new Minecraft update came out today, were you excited? We were excited. What would they bring out? Magical singing harps? A man with real working fingers? SPACE? No, ladies and gentlemen, it was even better than that. I give you...

CATS IN MINECRAFT!

That's right kids. Lose your minds!

Of course, some of you are thinking, 'Well, what's so special about cats in Minecraft? They're just something put in to appease the crazy cat ladies, right?' WRONG. Cats are magical and amazing and your life will change when you find them. Here's a few reasons why.

1. Cats are tigers in disguise

No, I'm not kidding. To find a cat, you need to go to the jungle with a raw fish. Then, you must creep up slowly to the said cat with the fish, and feed them it, preferably with a red wine sauce. Then, they will follow you home. Let them sleep in your bed, and overnight they will morph into their true tiger form. Well done, you own a dangerous animal!

2. Cats can smell fear

Cats are badass mofos, and Minecraft cats are no exception. Enemy mobs tremble before the mighty feline. Pick fights with whatever you feel like! Did that creeper offend your mother? Punch it in its minty green chops, and laugh manically as your cat stands before it and sends it away with it's metaphorical tail between its legs! YOU ARE NOW UNTOUCHABLE!

3. Cats are expert craftscats

It's true. You can set a cat to work building for you, as if you are some kind of all feline building company. You have to be careful though. Cats are notoriously flamboyant, and the cottage you asked for can easily turn into a five storey castle with a full on Rapunzel tower when you're not looking. Have spare cobblestone handy, is all I'm saying.

4. Cats will plot against you

This is really the only downside to cats. They are crafty creatures, and lust for power and glory. Do you really think they're happy to stay your furry servant, loitering around your map while you charge about mining things and crafting them? Don't be ridiculous! Now, I'm not privy to their exact methods for overthrowing you as master of the land but... don't stand near any ledges. That's all I'm saying.

I may have hallucinated much of this. However, there ARE cats in Minecraft. That is a thing now.