Tips for living in Albion, or Voni's been playing too much Fable

So, for the last week or so I’ve been obsessively replaying Fable 2 and 3, monopolising the TV and having my eardrums cracked every time Matt tries to emulate the choir that sings in the loading screens. I’ve played so much, in fact, I think I can write the ultimate guide to living in Albion. AWAY WE GO!

Economy

Every so often, the economy seems to take an enormous downturn. Maybe you’ve got a tyrant ruling the country, or someone’s essentially kidnapping people to build a big spire for some reason. It’s a problem. However, it’s totally not your responsibility to fix it. Hell no! Sooner or later a Hero will show up, and start working in your shops and spending money like there’s no tomorrow. Huzzah!

Friendships

To live in Albion, you have to learn you don’t get something for nothing. This even extends to friendships with others. Sometimes, a Hero will come round wanting to be mates, but should you instantly welcome them into your home with open arms? No way! Let them prance around for your amusement, then when you’re bored of it, send them off on some daft fetch quest before you’ll deign to be ‘friends’ with them. They must learn!

Marriage

Another thorny topic. Marriage always seems to go down badly in Albion. Either you die and you want to make your ex suffer, even though he misses you like he misses breathing oxygen, or you want to break up your own marriage by faking adultery, or... it’s just messy, let’s leave it at that. Your best bet’s to marry a Hero, because they’ll buy you a nice house, lots of gifts, and even give you an allowance! There is the chance they’ll go off to rescue someone and not return for ten years, but it’s the price you pay for being a kept man/woman.

Problem solving

Sometimes, there are obstacles we must overcome in life. Perhaps you’re looking to reanimate yourself an undead girlfriend. Maybe you need someone to don a chicken suit and round up your lost hens (who are uncannily good at clucking ‘The Farmer and The Dell). You could do this all yourself of course, but why should you? There’ll always be a Hero about, hungry for Guild Seals and/or cash. Make them do the dirty work!

Property

Basically, give up any dream of owning your own home or business in Albion. Oh sure, you may own it yourself for a while, but sooner or later a Hero in need of cash for an army or something will snap it up and start making profit on it. It’s not all bad though. A Hero owned house means you don’t have to pay the repairs, and if they’re really generous they’ll lower your rent. Winner!

World saving

The only problem with living in Albion is that every now and then, the whole world is in danger from some horrendous dark threat. This, however, is not your problem. A hero’s job is to rock up, make themselves stronger while beating up the local mercenaries for you, and then go smack that ultimate evil in the chops, making things all happy and jolly until the next ultimate evil comes along. Yeah, so your granny might die and your kids will be sold into slavery every now and then, but it’s a small price to pay, isn’t it?