DON'T BE RACIST AGAINST COWS - a Lollipop Chainsaw review

Let’s talk about Lollipop Chainsaw, shall we? Chances are you’ve already made your mind up about it, one way or another. After all, it’s a game all about a zombie hunting cheerleader! You’re either going to love it or hate it, right?

Well, that’s kind of hard to say. I picked it up because I thought the idea of zombies exploding into rainbows and sparkles when they’ve been chainsawed to death was hilarious (yes, I’m fairly easy to please). I started playing and I just wasn’t disappointed.



The game centres around Juliet Starling, a high school cheerleader on her 18th birthday (very obviously mentioned so it’s ok to perv on her) who discovers her school’s been overrun by the undead. Luckily, she’s part of a zombie hunting family, so pulls out her chainsaw and begins mowing her way through them while declaring them ‘gross, undead DOUCHEBAGS!’

Joining her is her boyfriend Nick, sadly reduced to a talking head after Juliet was forced to decapitate him following a deadly zombie bite (probably best not to think about that too hard). He provides the straight man to Juliet’s ditzy, perpetual optimism. It’s actually rather funny to listen to them chatting as she’s slicing up the undead. ‘After this all over, we should come back and ride the cows!’ ‘Cows, Juliet?’ ‘OMG DON’T BE RACIST AGAINST COWS NICK!’

The juxtaposition of cheery cheerleader against decomposing zombies works really well most of the time. The zombies explode into the aforementioned rainbows and glitter when they die, and if you can slice up more than three with one swipe of your blade, you can activate ‘sparkle hunting’ for extra points. The addition of ‘Mickey’ by Toni Basil playing when you activate special attacks is also a nice touch.

I thought the obvious sexualisation of Juliet might be a sticking point, but most of the time it’s played purely for laughs, pointing out how absurd it is. The camera doesn’t miss an opportunity to disappear up her skirt or down her top, and Juliet herself pleads ‘Hey! Don’t look up my skirt!’ in the loading screens. What’s nice to see is that however hard the big bads are trying to get in her way, she always has a plan and is always in control. It’s all part of the joke.

So, nearly 400 words in and I haven’t mentioned the actual gameplay yet. Er, yeah, about that... there really isn’t that much of it. You run through six themed levels, swinging your chainsaw, and, er, that’s about it. Ok, so it’s broken up by several minigames, but for all it’s endearing quirkiness it’s not all that substantial. The story mode will take you five hours tops, and there’s a ‘ranking mode’ but honestly, there isn’t much replay value.

However, I’m willing to forgive a lot of this because it’s a refreshing change from the trend of super serious, brown games that are so popular right now. Lollipop Chainsaw is happy to point fun at everything, including itself, and is just a joy to look at as the screen explodes with rainbow colours after every decapitation. Under that is a surprisingly well written story of a teenage love affair, dealing with the boyfriend’s worries about meeting her family even as the world ends around them. I can’t help it, I really enjoyed it. If this sounds like your kind of thing, I highly suggest you grab it just for the experience.

Tips for living in Albion, or Voni's been playing too much Fable

So, for the last week or so I’ve been obsessively replaying Fable 2 and 3, monopolising the TV and having my eardrums cracked every time Matt tries to emulate the choir that sings in the loading screens. I’ve played so much, in fact, I think I can write the ultimate guide to living in Albion. AWAY WE GO!

Economy

Every so often, the economy seems to take an enormous downturn. Maybe you’ve got a tyrant ruling the country, or someone’s essentially kidnapping people to build a big spire for some reason. It’s a problem. However, it’s totally not your responsibility to fix it. Hell no! Sooner or later a Hero will show up, and start working in your shops and spending money like there’s no tomorrow. Huzzah!

Friendships

To live in Albion, you have to learn you don’t get something for nothing. This even extends to friendships with others. Sometimes, a Hero will come round wanting to be mates, but should you instantly welcome them into your home with open arms? No way! Let them prance around for your amusement, then when you’re bored of it, send them off on some daft fetch quest before you’ll deign to be ‘friends’ with them. They must learn!

Marriage

Another thorny topic. Marriage always seems to go down badly in Albion. Either you die and you want to make your ex suffer, even though he misses you like he misses breathing oxygen, or you want to break up your own marriage by faking adultery, or... it’s just messy, let’s leave it at that. Your best bet’s to marry a Hero, because they’ll buy you a nice house, lots of gifts, and even give you an allowance! There is the chance they’ll go off to rescue someone and not return for ten years, but it’s the price you pay for being a kept man/woman.

Problem solving

Sometimes, there are obstacles we must overcome in life. Perhaps you’re looking to reanimate yourself an undead girlfriend. Maybe you need someone to don a chicken suit and round up your lost hens (who are uncannily good at clucking ‘The Farmer and The Dell). You could do this all yourself of course, but why should you? There’ll always be a Hero about, hungry for Guild Seals and/or cash. Make them do the dirty work!

Property

Basically, give up any dream of owning your own home or business in Albion. Oh sure, you may own it yourself for a while, but sooner or later a Hero in need of cash for an army or something will snap it up and start making profit on it. It’s not all bad though. A Hero owned house means you don’t have to pay the repairs, and if they’re really generous they’ll lower your rent. Winner!

World saving

The only problem with living in Albion is that every now and then, the whole world is in danger from some horrendous dark threat. This, however, is not your problem. A hero’s job is to rock up, make themselves stronger while beating up the local mercenaries for you, and then go smack that ultimate evil in the chops, making things all happy and jolly until the next ultimate evil comes along. Yeah, so your granny might die and your kids will be sold into slavery every now and then, but it’s a small price to pay, isn’t it?

Hand me that teapot cannon

Hey kids, it’s time for another edition of Voni Reviews Games You’ve All Already Played! This week, carrying on from my take on American McGee’s Alice, I will tell you all about Alice: Madness Returns.

Alice carries on a year after the events of the first game. Our hero is now living the Houndsditch Home for Wayward Youth under the care of Dr Angus Bumby, a man who attempts to treat his wards by hypnotising them into forgetting their past. This doesn’t work for Alice, so she falls into another psychotic episode, and goes back to Wonderland to discover what really happened the night of the fire that killed her family.

First things first: this game is SO. PRETTY. You explore larger than life dollhouses, steampunk factories, and a miniature oriental grove, complete with floating mah jong tiles acting as platforms. The whole time I was playing it I was gawping at the screen in wonder. Maybe it’s just being exposed to so many brown and grey games that are out there right now, playing in the Technicolor Wonderland is like feasting on a full roast dinner after living on bread and water. Awesome.



The gameplay itself is pretty much your basic 3D platformer. You jump to places, you collect things, you bounce off trampolines (mushrooms, of course, in this case). The jumping has improved from the last game, with the inclusion of the ‘twirl’ and ‘float’ manoeuvres (essentially a triple jump and a glide). However, Alice suffers for sticking so close to convention. After a while you’re wondering just how many more floating platforms can possibly be out there, and the inclusion of 2D levels set in Japanese scrolls or a game of hide and seek with a drunken octopus do break the tedium, but only barely.

The weaponry has much improved from the original game too. Wisely, the developers have scaled back the arsenal to six different items, including such items as a club like hobby horse, a teapot cannons that shoot boiling tea, and an umbrella that can be used to deflect attacks. This time around, it really does seem that your weaponry is actually causing your foes some damage, and the fights are frenetic and demented. However, whether you’re fighting homicidal dolls or playing card guards, the attacks always boil down to ‘keep shooting till the armour falls off, then shoot some more’. Shame really, as there was the potential there for some amazing combat. As it is, it’s just good.

And speaking of combat, where are the boss fights? There’s only one right at the end, and to be honest it’s kind of disappointing. Ok, this is kind of hypocritical when I was complaining about the game being too by the numbers a couple of paragraphs ago, but I can think of at least two that were very clearly set up and then abandoned at the last minute in cutscenes. You get the feeling they were chopped out at the last minute, and it’s a crying shame because they could have been amazing.

In the end, what kept me playing was the excellent storyline. Following Alice through Victorian London and contrasting her meagre existence to the beauty of Wonderland affected me more than I thought it would. Towards the end, the tale becomes incredibly grim and foreboding, and the ending, refreshingly, neither leaves the game blatantly open for a sequel, nor gives a straightforward answer to Alice’s fate. I think it might just be personal preference, but if I’m left wondering what has become of the characters after I’ve finished the game, I call that a success.

All in all, I really, really enjoyed Alice: Madness Returns. For all its samey gameplay there’s still tons of enjoyment to be had, and the storytelling is fantastic. It’s probably going cheap now as well, so you’ve got no excuse. Happy Friday!

If Tim Burton made video games...

For my first post of 2012, I thought I would introduce a new section to my usually unorganised ramblings. I call this section ‘Voni Reviews Games You’ve All Already Played’, and today I’m kicking it off with American McGee’s Alice, a game so old that in gaming terms this review will be more of an archaeological dig.

Having never been a PC gamer, the original release of Alice passed me by. The concept of the game interested me, but only now having received a copy of Alice: Madness Returns for Christmas, and its bundled downloadable copy of the original, have I been able to sink my teeth into it.

McGee’s version of Alice (yes, he is a real person, he’s on Wikipedia and everything) finds her locked up in an asylum after losing her entire family in a tragic house fire. In her delirium she finds herself back in a twisted version of Wonderland that’s under the control of the Queen of Hearts. Alice must find and destroy her to save Wonderland and her own sanity.

The presentation is fantastic; especially considering it’s an 11 year old game at this point. The visuals are eerie and the music is menacing. I’ve read that samples of women’s choirs and children’s musical boxes were used in creating the soundtrack, which lends it that suitably creepy air. All the main characters from the Alice universe are represented as warped versions of their former selves, for example the Mad Hatter is a crazed scientist, attempting to create automatons of his former friends, and the Jabberwock is a semi mechanized incarnation of Alice’s guilt over the loss of her family.

Alice herself is pretty well presented too, as an initially rather hard on her former friends (She asks the crying Mock Turtle ‘What’s all this then? Has someone died? Have you lost your family?’ and when finding out he has lost his shell, snaps, ‘Oh, stop that wailing’). Further into the story, her defences lower as she is attacked by the forces of the Queen of Hearts. Shame the graphic limitations make her look like a robot attempting to cry, though. It was a good attempt.

But what of the gameplay? Disappointingly, it’s really just a basic 3D platformer with some lacklustre combat added in. It’s a shame really, because there is the potential in there to be great.

The weaponry itself is very imaginative. In Wonderland, toys have become deadly weapons, so throwing jacks will cut your enemies, and you can fire electrified croquet balls with a croquet mallet. The problem is out of a selection of ten different weapons, only four are actually any good. When you use them, you can’t see the effect they’re having until your target keels over. It feels a bit like firing foam pellets at them, and it’s not at all satisfying.

The platforming is ok but not great. I’ve seen it described elsewhere on the web as a severely cut down Tomb Raider, and it’s hard to disagree. There are some good sections, such as the Machinations level, but otherwise it just feels a bit... meh. Plus, Alice can jump like an electrified rabbit, making gauging distances a bloody nightmare.

Having said all this, I still really enjoyed Alice (apart from the fight with the Jabberwock that saw me hurl my PS3 controller for the first time ever. So, you can never outrun its fire breath, which knocks half your health out in one go? Yup, sounds fair). What it got wrong in gameplay it more than made up for in atmosphere, so I’m hoping Madness Returns will make up for the imbalance.

So, it’s a thumbs up over here! Now, you’ll have to excuse me, I’ve got a ridiculous amount of games to play through...

Are you willing to kill for that Xbox?

America is known for many of their wacky traits. Uncle Sam, fireworks on the Fourth of July, allowing actors to come in and start running the country. As odd as they all are, they’re all harmless right? Well, they are, apart from one tradition. You know the one I’m talking about. Black Friday.



Black Friday, for those who are unfamiliar with the concept, is the day after Thanksgiving in the USA, and the first ‘official’ day of Christmas shopping. Retailers take advantage of this by slashing prices on all their goods and encouraging customers to show up at ungodly hours to obtain the best deals. To those of us in the UK, it sounds a bit like those 5am sales Next have every now and then (and I’ve heard some horror stories for a soon to be ex employee, let me tell you). However, Next has NOTHING on Black Friday.

Have a look on the internet any day in the week of Thanksgiving, and you’ll see the horror stories. People getting trampled to death in the quest for deals. Knife fights breaking out in parking lots. Toys being yanked out of small children’s hands. You’ve got to wonder what the hell is going through these people’s heads.

Last Friday was no exception. There were two big stories this year; the woman who attacked the crowd with pepper spray to gain advantage on getting an Xbox 360 (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/25/black-friday-2011_n_1113108.html?1322248701), and the grandfather who had his face smashed against a concrete floor for attempting to steal a video game (http://www.ksdk.com/news/article/287691/28/Grandfather-bloodied-by-police-in-Arizona-Walmart).



I’m sure it’s not a coincidence that these people were both attempting to get video game related items. Quite frankly, I’m amazed I haven’t seen a report yet linking these incidents to game induced violence (Daily Mail, you’re losing your touch). Still though, you have to wonder why people are so desperate to get their hands on a console or game that they’ll risk their own safety, and the safety of others, to get them.

Let’s take the story of the pepper spray woman first. In the first report, it says up to twenty people were injured in the incident, and all so this woman could get access to a crate of Xboxes that were being unpacked on the shop floor. However, a later report shows that the woman turned herself in to the authorities, saying she only used the spray in self defence after being crushed by the crowd (http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/114421-Wal-Mart-Pepper-Sprayer-May-Not-Be-Charged).



First off, why were the consoles being unpacked on the shop floor? What’s wrong with the storeroom out back? Was the store purposefully trying to incite panic? And secondly, why on earth did this woman go there in the first place? She obviously knew it was going to get ugly, because she had pepper spray on her person. How much do you REALLY need that Xbox?

In the other story, there are two different tales being trotted out. One, that the grandfather wasn’t shoplifting, that he had put the game in the waistband of his trousers so he could save his young grandson from being crushed. The other is that he was shoplifting and needed to be apprehended.



This is frightening for all sorts of reasons. How badly did this guy need a game, really? Couldn’t he have just put the game down in order to help the child? And also, WHY DID HE BRING A CHILD TO THE STORE?! We know what happens, he must have known he’d be in danger!

You also have to ask whether it was really necessary to injure the guy when they arrested him. After all, he was allegedly shoplifting, not attacking anyone or causing a scene. Maybe the police are on heightened alert because of the risk of fights breaking out, but even so. I can’t see a need for it. However, it seems like we are not being told all the details, so I’ll be interested to see how this one plays out.



You really have to wonder about humanity, when it seems that we think it’s ok to beat and hurt others in order to get our hands on a really cheap flatscreen TV. You have to also wonder at the superstore bigwigs, who think it’s ok to whip customers up into a frenzy and then place their underpaid and undervalued staff directly in the firing line, at a time when they should be with their families.

I don’t think I need to say anything else, other than, America, have you seen the internet recently? Stuff’s always cheap on there, and you don’t have to go and break some bones in order to get it. Just saying.