Horror-scopes

As accurate as any others you’ll read today

Note: I’ve taken the horoscopes and their dates from www.horoscopes.co.uk. Everyone seems to differ on when the dates actually fall, so if you disagree with me go shout at them, ok? Cheers.

Aries: 21st March – 19th April

Did you hear that? That noise, coming from your basement? Look, I think you’re either going to have to feed them, or turn yourself in to the police.

Taurus: 20th April – 20th May

Today I would avoid bacon if I were you. Look, don’t ask me why, you don’t want to know. Honestly. Actually, just avoid all pork products. You’ll thank me later.

Gemini: 21st May – 20th June

Your shoe’s untied. HA HA MADE YOU LOOK!

Cancer: 21st June – 22nd July

Look, I know you think naming your kid Moonshine Rainbow is a good idea, but I promise you they’ll be changing it by deed poll the second they’re 18. And really? It’s the 21st century now, time to grow out of the 60’s.

Leo: 23rd July – 22nd August

I’ve seen you bothering the lions at the zoo. Next time the zookeeper’s going to open fire on you. Fair warning.

Virgo: 23rd August – 22nd September

Look Gary, I know you’re reading this. IT’S OVER, OK? Stop ringing me! And stop ringing my mum! She’s elderly and confused, she thinks you’re Terry Wogan and it’s not fair to get her hopes up that he’s coming back to Eurovision.

Libra: 23rd September – 22nd October

Hur hur, your star sign’s got the word ‘bra’ in it. Snarf.

Scorpio: 23rd October – 21st November

I’ve always thought ‘Scorpio’ sounded like a superhero name. But are you out there, fighting crime in tights and your underpants? Hell no! You’re so selfish.

Sagittarius: 22nd November – 21st December

That lobster vs. scorpion fight you’re planning? Yes, yes, it sounds awesome. But the animal rights groups are camping out on your front lawn and they look pretty angry. You might want to rethink it, that’s all I’m saying.

Capricorn: 22nd December – 19th January

If anyone tries to pull the joint Christmas/birthday present thing on you this year, shiv them. It’s only fair.

Aquarius: 20 January – 18th February

What was that? No behind you... OH GOD DON’T TURN AROUND!

Pisces: 19th February – 20th March

Aw, always last, aren’t you? Well, you should try harder, shouldn’t you? Mummy won’t love you till you are THE BEST AT EVERYTHING!