Filling the void in your heart with various lumps of plastic

Following on from my advice on ebaying like a pro a couple of weeks ago, I thought it might be time to share my wisdom with you in regards to collecting. After all, what else are you using ebay for if not for tracking down obscure, elusive items? Enjoy, why don’t you?

The thrill of the chase: We all know one of the best things about collecting is the chase, whether it’s watching that ebay auction like a hawk, or going trawling through the local carboot sale for those Star Wars figurines. However, the chase is as addictive as any drug. Facts. At first you’re just having a casual nosey online for your chosen item, before long you’re on auction sites in your work hours with your finger hovering over the mouse to bid because GOD FORBID anyone gets those coasters before you do. Just watch yourself, is what I’m saying.

Displaying your prized items: There are a few things to consider here. If you live alone, you can display your Snoopy plush toy army wherever you please, but if you live with others they may be upset if they have to shift several stuffed dogs before they can make a cup of tea in the morning. Also, how much room do you have? If you have a room going spare, feel free to dedicate it to your belongings. However, if there’s less space available it’s probably best not to let it take over the living room. Nothing says ‘OH HI I’M A CRAZY’ than a room full of Snoopys looming down on you.

Additional items: So you thought that collecting meant that you’d just be spending money on your chosen items? Ah, you must be new here. When you get those items, how will you display them? Scattered all over your desk like a noob? Oh, no. You need to invest in furniture. Shelves, display cabinets, risers, the lot. IKEA is going to be your new best friend.

Thinning the herd: Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you will just buy too much. You’ll have no room for your new collectible ALF dinner plates, and so something will have to go. Be ruthless. Do you love it? Will you pass it down to your first born in your will? Would you save it in a house fire before your first born? If not, get rid. It’s not worth the valuable shelf space.

Budgeting: You’re going to have to manage your money. Sooner or later you’ll find a whole bunch of things you want at once when you can only afford one or two of them. Can you live without it, or will it fill the empty void in your heart that accumulating various lumps of plastic goes some way towards healing? One day, you will have to let something go. It will be hard. It will be painful. However, don’t let anyone see you crying over the He Man figure that got away. It’s a bit worrying.

eBay Etiquette

So you might have heard of this website, it’s called eBay? Oh you have? Excellent. Well, I’m going to explain to you today how exactly to use it. After all, there’s etiquette to be observed, even on the internet.

Step one: Search for your required item

Harder than it looks. Type in ‘Iron Man’ and you might find the DVD you were looking for, in between all the action figures, toys, comic books, and the one guy who listed a clothes iron Halloween costume as ‘Iron Man’ because he thinks he’s funny. Instead, type in something like, ‘Iron Man DVD AND I MEAN IT EBAY OR I SWEAR I’LL CUT YOU’ and you’ll get better results.

Step two: Select your item

Even after doing such a refined search, you’ll probably have a large list of identical items to browse through. Now is the time to cull the dodgy listings from the reasonable ones. Stupidly high price? Nope. Clearly used and battered? Seeya! Obviously NOT the item it’s advertised as? Do one! However, be really picky. After all, if that seller wants your money they must earn it. Is the photo out of focus? Is the postage a couple of pence/cents too high? Does their username offend you? Bin it all!

Step three: The art of the watch list

Now, you should have a few items that you now want to keep an eye on. Thankfully, eBay provides the ‘watch list’ for this very purpose. Add them all, and now you have a handy place to track all those Garfield alarm clocks you’re planning on buying to truly freak out your roommate. However, beware! Having those items in your watch list means that slowly but surely, you will come to see them as already belonging to you. There is no greater pain than watching an auction end early because someone made an offer outside of eBay for the item. In these cases, it is totally ok to track those people down and torture them with Friends reruns. It’s protected in the declaration of human rights. Look it up.

Step four: Winning, or snipe like you mean it

If you’re really serious about winning, you need to learn how to snipe. No, I don’t mean like with a gun, but if you lose, it may be an option. No, I mean sitting on the auction until the last few seconds, and BOOM! Dropping your bid in at the last possible moment, meaning no one else can bid, you win, and everyone can suck on their crushing defeat. I think I just mixed some metaphors there, but never mind. Be warned though, sniping can get heated, and before long you realise you’ve bid your rent money on an old box of Coco Pops.

Step five: Receiving your precious, precious goods

Now comes the best bit: getting your stuff! Everyone likes getting parcels in the post, it’s like receiving Christmas presents out of season by a surly, underpaid Santa! When you unwrap your items, make sure it’s exactly as you though it would be. Many a time have I bought something and noticed errors and flaws that weren’t in the photo! After this, make sure you leave appropriate feedback. ‘Quick delivery, but not quite as I expected’ is fine. ‘I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE FOR THIS OUTRAGE’, however, is not.
Happy bidding!

Miles of candy coloured equines

Er, I’ve developed a problem.

No, it’s not with The Sims. Again.

It’s eBay.

I know what you’re all thinking. ‘But eBay’s been around forever! How could you have only developed a problem now?!’ Ah, now you see, that’s because I’ve rarely used it until now. For a very long time, Paypal didn’t think I was a real person, and I was way too lazy to actually prove to them that I actually exist in meatspace. Plus, Amazon exists, so I could buy stuff off there. I’ve even bought weedkiller from it, for God’s sake.

The thing is, I’ve got into the customisation scene, ponies, to be exact, and I tried selling them on Etsy but it’s useless. In the end, I was motivated to actually do something about the Paypal snafu and start selling on eBay instead.

This was my first mistake.

I initially sold a couple of customs on there very successfully. Buoyed by this turn of events, I started listing more. And more. I’ve spent an unneccesary amount of time in Post Offices as of late (did you know they have self serve parcel machines now?!). Once I’d sold a few, I realised I was running out of ‘bait’ ponies to decorate and sell off.

I started searching for ponies for sale.

Let me tell you something, there are tons of ponies on eBay. Acres of them. Miles of candy coloured equines, as far as the eye can see. I spent hours trawling through them, sorting the obviously fake ponies, yelling ‘You clearly bought that in a pound shop!’ at the screen. Staring at the rare ones that go for silly amounts of money, drooling. Then, I discovered the ‘watch’ button.



Every time I saw a pony I liked the look of, I hit ‘watch’. Soon, I had a ridiculous amount of plastic 80’s toys sat in my watch list, tormenting me. I even bid on a couple before realising I really didn’t want them, but luckily I was outbid. Dodged a bullet there. After a brutal deletion session, I still had a pile of ponies, crying ‘buy me! Buuuuuyy meeeee!’. Oh dear. In the end, I grabbed about four different lots, bagging myself a bunch of 12 ponies for the princely sum of £12. Bargain.

It was even better when I noticed one of them was a rare pony. It’s called ‘Silver Rain’, and it’s ugly as sin, but rather sought after. It seemed a shame to chop it up as bait, so I tidied up it’s hair and whacked it online. Within an hour, it had gained a bid and a good fistful of watchers. Not bad for something that came to me packaged in a Bulmers box (yes, seriously).

Now I’m scouring the house for things I can sell. I have a box full of tat I’m going to put up tonight, now I’ve lovingly photographed all of it. I spend ages staring at ‘My eBay’, watching who’s bid on my stuff, willing to spend more, damnit! I have a habit to support! It has, in short, become a problem.

Are there groups you can join? eBayer’s Anonymous? 12 step programs? If not, I’m going to end up on the street, conducting fake auctions by waving around a homemade gavel.

Send help. And ponies.