eBay Etiquette

So you might have heard of this website, it’s called eBay? Oh you have? Excellent. Well, I’m going to explain to you today how exactly to use it. After all, there’s etiquette to be observed, even on the internet.

Step one: Search for your required item

Harder than it looks. Type in ‘Iron Man’ and you might find the DVD you were looking for, in between all the action figures, toys, comic books, and the one guy who listed a clothes iron Halloween costume as ‘Iron Man’ because he thinks he’s funny. Instead, type in something like, ‘Iron Man DVD AND I MEAN IT EBAY OR I SWEAR I’LL CUT YOU’ and you’ll get better results.

Step two: Select your item

Even after doing such a refined search, you’ll probably have a large list of identical items to browse through. Now is the time to cull the dodgy listings from the reasonable ones. Stupidly high price? Nope. Clearly used and battered? Seeya! Obviously NOT the item it’s advertised as? Do one! However, be really picky. After all, if that seller wants your money they must earn it. Is the photo out of focus? Is the postage a couple of pence/cents too high? Does their username offend you? Bin it all!

Step three: The art of the watch list

Now, you should have a few items that you now want to keep an eye on. Thankfully, eBay provides the ‘watch list’ for this very purpose. Add them all, and now you have a handy place to track all those Garfield alarm clocks you’re planning on buying to truly freak out your roommate. However, beware! Having those items in your watch list means that slowly but surely, you will come to see them as already belonging to you. There is no greater pain than watching an auction end early because someone made an offer outside of eBay for the item. In these cases, it is totally ok to track those people down and torture them with Friends reruns. It’s protected in the declaration of human rights. Look it up.

Step four: Winning, or snipe like you mean it

If you’re really serious about winning, you need to learn how to snipe. No, I don’t mean like with a gun, but if you lose, it may be an option. No, I mean sitting on the auction until the last few seconds, and BOOM! Dropping your bid in at the last possible moment, meaning no one else can bid, you win, and everyone can suck on their crushing defeat. I think I just mixed some metaphors there, but never mind. Be warned though, sniping can get heated, and before long you realise you’ve bid your rent money on an old box of Coco Pops.

Step five: Receiving your precious, precious goods

Now comes the best bit: getting your stuff! Everyone likes getting parcels in the post, it’s like receiving Christmas presents out of season by a surly, underpaid Santa! When you unwrap your items, make sure it’s exactly as you though it would be. Many a time have I bought something and noticed errors and flaws that weren’t in the photo! After this, make sure you leave appropriate feedback. ‘Quick delivery, but not quite as I expected’ is fine. ‘I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE FOR THIS OUTRAGE’, however, is not.
Happy bidding!

The Zombie Outbreak guide to gaming etiquette

Now, we all know gamers get a bad rap. They’re seen as anti social spotty kids with violent tendencies, when we all know that’s only half true, at most. With this in mind, I want to present to you our guide to gaming etiquette, in an attempt to kill off this image.

Buying your gaming device



Normally, you can stroll into any gaming emporium and purchase a games console with the minimum of fuss. However, if you want a console on release day, you will most likely have to endure the dreaded midnight sale queue.

If you decide to brave release day, please remember to keep your fellow gamers and queue-mates in mind. If they’re suffering from frostbite in the sub zero temperatures, lend them your blanket. If they fall asleep, don’t draw penises on their face in Sharpie. Most of all, DO NOT STEAL THEIR CONSOLE FROM THEM WHEN THEY HAVE JUST PURCHASED IT. It’s considered the height of rudeness, and you’ll never be invited to a dinner party again.

Setting up your gaming device



When setting up your shiny new device, consider its impact on the rest of the household. Setting it up in the living room is fine, as long as you don’t hog the TV to play Halo when your mum wants to watch Come Dine With Me. A spare room or your own bedroom is usually a good bet, as you’re unlikely to disturb anyone in the wee hours with your virtual teabagging antics. However, if you share your bedroom it’s not normally considered good manners to keep your roommate up all night shouting at strangers through a headset.

Using your gaming device



The key rule here is, try not to hog the console or PC to yourself. It may be your precious baby (and have cost you as much as the upkeep of a newborn child), but it’s rather rude not to let others play with you.

Consider asking non gamers to play with you. If they accept, try not to wince too much as they make wild errors as they play, and if they ask silly questions such as ‘How do I jump?’, resist the urge to throttle them. Murder is most unbecoming.

Going online with your gaming device



Online gaming is an enormous part of the gaming experience these days. Hop onto an online match of your favourite game, and you can meet lots and lots of new people. Sadly, these people appear to have been locked in their cages for most of their lives, as they have no idea how to react with other humans.

The key here is not to react. It’s difficult not to set a fellow who is calling you a ‘noob fag’ straight, but trust us, it would be rude to try and intervene. Instead, let him learn from his own mistakes when he realises girls will never like him if he keeps acting like that.

Also, please be aware of proper spelling protocol and grammar usage online. If you can string a sentence together properly, you will be a king among the gaming community.

Playing party games on your gaming device



The joy of gaming now is that everyone can get involved. Dance and music games are a fun and wholesome way to bring family friends together in merriment and enjoyment. However, your neighbours must be considered. No matter how well you can belt out Don’t Stop Believing, they will be most upset if you’re doing it at 2am. If they are upset, the correct response is to placate them with a gift. Better yet, invite them in to play. That way, they’re as bad as you are...